Do Robots Twitter?

    follow me on Twitter

    Friday, 18 December 2009

    Top 10 Reasons it Would Suck to Be An Ewok

    Ewoks have such a raw deal. George Lucas initially planned to make them Wookies. Wookies, for god's sake! How much ass would that have kicked? Heaps!

    Here are 10 other reasons why it would suck to be an Ewok:

    10. Height restrictions suck! Only allowed on the children's rides at Disneyland. Also not allowed to operate most heavy machinery.

    9. Very little designer clothing made for the Ewok market.

    8. People occasionally confuse you for a koala, when you clearly descend from the drop bear family.

    7. Difficult to get the girls - they don't like dating guys/ewoks who are shorter than them.

    6. Even if you do get the girl, she will probably an ewok and, let's be honest, they're not great lookers.

    5. C-3PO would be just about the shittiest god I could possibly imagine.

    4. All that fur makes Summer a real bitch. Don't even get me started on waxing that bikini line.

    3. The language barrier makes it difficult for humans to distinguish between Ewok for "You look nice today" and "Holy fucking shit, watch out for that AT-ST!"

    2. Tendency to be cast as comedy sidekicks in action sequences, even when you absolutely decimate the technically and numerically superior invading force using a couple of logs and some stones.

    1. People find it difficult to take you seriously when your name is Wicket and you don't wear pants.

    Monday, 14 December 2009

    Simile of the Day

    Successful dating is like a really good magic trick. You have to get your audience to believe they're seeing something wonderful, when in fact you're just using sleight of hand and misdirection to keep the horrible truth hidden behind all the smoke and mirrors.

    Friday, 11 December 2009

    The True Meaning of Christmas

    Christmas is fast approaching. Every year it seems to approach that little bit faster, with the speed and stealth of a rocket-propelled ninja panther traveling through the vacuum of space on ice skates. But what is it, really? Do people really think about what they're celebrating in this helterskelter day and age?

    Here are a few suggestions for what the true meaning of Christmas is:

    1) According to my supermarket, Christmas is a special time of eating too much shortbread and buying hilariously overpriced chocolate packages left over from Easter that have been re-branded to have vaguely Christmas-themed packaging. Supermarket Christmas runs from November - January. I think it's a season now.

    2) According to my TV, Christmas is a special time where dreams really can come true, so long as they involve finally getting the parent I've always wanted after approximately 1.5 hours of hijinx involving someone temporarily and comically becoming Santa Claus. It appears that Tim Allen is contractually obliged to be involved.

    3) Christmas is a special time when people remember the birth of Jesus Christ. Or his death. Or whatever, just give me my presents.

    4) Christmas is a special time when people come together to celebrate the "true" gifts they have been given - friends and family. *snigger* I know, right?! These people are traditionally called "hippies" and are under no circumstances to be allowed access to your Christmas gathering. They will smell bad and feed your children communist propaganda and hash brownies.

    5) Christmas is a special time when families gather together at a predetermined battleground to wage no-holds-barred psychological warfare on an epic scale. All parties are required by International Treaty to first participate in a pre-conflict ritual known as "The Stuffing of Faces With Food" in order to even the playing field. Combatants then use "presents" to punish, disappoint, mystify or even (on some rare cases) build a false sense of security in their opponents, to be exploited on a later occasion.

    "But what is the true meaning of Christmas?" I imagine I hear you clamor. I'm afraid that's not for me to say. You must look into your heart and blah blah spiritually uplifting message and so forth.

    All I can tell you is that for me, Christmas is a special time when people come together to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ by decorating a tree as brightly and colourfully as possible in order to lure a magical fat man in a red suit to your house and then trap him there, with the expectation that he will leave "gifts" (i.e. "ransom payments") under the tree in exchange for his personal freedom.

    Merry Christmas, everybody.

    Monday, 12 October 2009

    If There is A God

    If there is a God
    He spun the stars from darkness
    and made the Earth from scratch

    If there is a God
    He built a universe so vast
    Our far distant children will never see its end

    If there is a God
    He is All Seeing
    All Knowing
    All Powerful

    That means
    Before He made You,
    He knew what You would do

    If there is a God
    He doesn't care what you wear
    He doesn't care who you hug on a cold winter's night
    He doesn't even care what you call him

    If there is a God
    He doesn't want you to fight over him
    Because He knows the truth reveals itself in time

    If there is a God

    Sunday, 27 September 2009

    I Have Seen the Creature That Will Eat My Soul


    Holy fucking shit. I love animals as a general rule but this is one creature so horrifying that we need to get everyone on earth to band together, get a shit ton of bazookas and then hunt down every single last one of these hellcreatures and destroy it with extreme prejudice.

    Then burn the ground and salt the earth to make sure it doesn't rise from the dead, which I presume it can do and already has done based on how this godforsaken demonbeast looks.

    Meet the Creature That Will Eat My Soul (aka. The Madagascan Aye Aye Lemur):

    What. The Fuck. Is. That. You know what, I don't care. Fuck you, nature.

    Wednesday, 16 September 2009

    Me Vs Dan Brown

    Dan Brown's latest novel, The Lost Symbol, has just been released and I, like so many others, went out to the book store to grab my own copy. I think it's because I enjoy the overall journey despite the prose being riddled with annoying quirks that sometimes make me laugh unintentionally or jar me from the novel's reality.

    These quirks include: Cliched / cookie cutter opening sentence; massive overabundance of unnecessary details; lame dialogue; recycled characters / events / situations; horrible metaphors and similes; incorrect word usage; extremely obvious "twists" and, really, really bad descriptions of characters.

    Yet here I am, with the new book in my hands. And even more annoyingly, I know I'll probably enjoy it. Unless it turns out that this is another book about a worldwide conspiracy involving an ancient mystical order of thousands of members that actually consists of only two people. If that happens I will set this book on fire and never, ever buy another Dan Brown novel.

    To celebrate the release of The Lost Symbol and in honour of Mr. Brown's success in the face of adversity, I give you my imagined version of Dan Brown's first draft of his next novel, "The Lost Artefact of Ambiguousness".

    Archaeologist Peter Oldman listened in horror as the horrible beeping sound clawed at his ears like a rake claws at a pile of dry autumn leaves. He knew with the certainty that Howard Carter must have felt when he descended the steps of tomb KV62 in Egypt's Valley of the Kings that he was going to die. I am, thought Peter Oldman intrinsically, going to die.
    In front of him, strapped to several bricks of C4 explosive, plastic binder, plasticizer and taggant chemicals 2,3-dimethyl-2,3-dinitrobutane was a mobile phone. He knew with an absolute yet completely unnecessary to the plot or current action certainty that the phone was a Nokia N95 with a 332 MHz processor and 64MB of SDRAM.
    The ringing stopped as suddenly as a stop sign appearing out of the fog on a foggy day and a voice crackled through the speaker.
    'Hello, Mr. Oldman,' the voice sublimated. Oldman had never heard the voice before yet somehow knew he had heard it every day before now.
    Peter gasped, 'What do you want with me? I've told you everything I know about the Lost Artefact of Ambiguousness.'
    The stranger, who called himself Zekal'Mor rather than his real name, even in his own inner monologue, because it would keep the audience guessing about his identity for another three chapters, laughed strategically.
    'Isn't it obvious?' Zekal'Mor asked in an unintentionally rhetorical way. He paused while he thought of some incredibly cliched dialogue, then added, 'I want you to die.'
    Before Peter Oldman could deposit another thought, the hot heat of the explosion's explosive inner sanctum disintegrated him completely, leaving behind nothing but ash.

    Symbologist Robert Langdon frowned at the ancient manuscript in front of him. Showing a careless disregard for the irreplaceable and incredibly fragile document that one would expect from a highly celebrated University Professor, he held the parchment up to the light.
    He gasped. 'This is the Symbol for the AAA - the Alliance of the Artefact of Ambiguousness.'
    Although this was a good time to explain what his comment meant, it was an even better time to awkwardly describe Robert Langdon's physical appearance because it is important to give a detailed description of any male characters as soon as they appear in your story.
    Langdon was not traditionally good looking though he did look oddly like Dan Brown and almost every woman he met in the course of his stories found him attractive. He wore a charcoal turtleneck sweater under a tweed jacket, which was completely coincidentally the author's favourite ensemble. Strapped around his wrist was a Mickey Mouse watch to tell rather than show the reader that the protagonist had some endearingly strange yet harmlessly inoffensive character quirks.
    'What is it?' Spanish astrobiologist Elizabeth Enriques enthused quizzically.
    She had dark hair and her gunmetal grey eyes sparkled with a deep intelligence that was never really utilised or evidenced in the context of the story except to solve one or two minor puzzles that access to a google search engine could have solved in 20 seconds because her role in the narrative was actually just to listen to Robert Langdon's verbal diarrhea about symbols and junk.
    Rest assured that Elizabeth was ambiguously but extremely hot and was an expert in bikram yoga, which was not at all relevant to the plot of the novel but would lead to at least one uncomfortably sleazy exchange of dialogue between Elizabeth and Robert at the end of the novel in which it would be "implied" that she could finally use those skills for something worthwhile - in the bedroom.
    Behind them stood acclaimed philanthropist Anders Grange, a powerfully built 45 year old man with silver hair, who stalked the room like a timberwolf, back straight and proud and on two legs but totally like a wolf at the same time. Grange had been Langdon's best friend since their childhood, despite not having been mentioned or referenced at all in any of the previous three Robert Langdon books.
    When Anders spoke, his voice was far away yet disturbingly close. 'I have heard of the AAA. They are very old and powerful,' he reminded. 'The legends say they possessed an ambiguous artefact that granted them power over life and death itself.'
    His voice was suddenly as wistful as a blade of grass waving in the sunlight and implied very subtly that he would ultimately turn out to be the sole bad guy responsible for the supposedly global conspiracy.....

    Friday, 4 September 2009

    Chaos Theory

    The mirror is dark and still. I look down at my own reflection and see the familiar face staring back at me, pondering, thoughtful. Behind me a thousand suns rage and fight back the unending night, breathing fire and light into the void. But I am so far away and so very, very small. To me, they are pin pricks of light through a heavy blanket.

    For a while I watch them glimmer and twinkle in the dark mirror. They are beautiful and powerful and ancient beyond imagining. What world's have their light illuminated? What creatures have basked in their heat? How many have gazed up at them and marveled at their majesty?

    In my hand is a pebble, small, rough and porous. I toss it into the air, watch it spin end over end, hurtling briefly towards those distant stars before it is rudely pulled backwards by gravity's constant hand. It plunges into the cold, still water like a knife, and disappears. But its passing leaves a mark. Ripples on the water that disturb my mirror and make the stars dance wildly in the tenebrous sky.

    The ripples are unpredictable. The way they make the stars dance even more so. Yet in the chaos, there is a beauty that is as stark as it is unexpected.

    Writing a novel is very similar. You begin with a plan that is organised and sensible and perfect but then something strange happens. The characters who once fit so neatly into your little plan begin to breathe and grow and sometimes, just sometimes, they whisper to you. They dislike the boxes you try to put them in, or the words you want to put into their mouths.

    They have the audacity to suggest, even demand changes. So you make that change and it ripples outwards, backwards and forwards across space and time, leading to even more changes. To new places, characters and events your neat plan never imagined. And the really scary thing is, you can't be sure where they're leading you until you're there.

    So my four precocious orphans are treading a different path now to the one I first planned for them to walk along. I can see the end now, in the distance, but it's as far away as those blazing lights in the darkness. I don't quite know when we'll get there, my traveling companions and I. But I'll let you know when we do.

    Wednesday, 2 September 2009

    Top 10 Changes Disney Will Make At Marvel

    The announcement that none of us have been waiting for has arrived: Disney is buying out Marvel Entertainment for a sweet $4 billion. Both parties seem adamant that this will not lead to changes in Marvel characters, story lines or franchises but seriously, does anybody really believe that? We all know that Walt Disney's cryogenically frozen corpse isn't going to stand for that.

    Here are the Top 10 changes Disney is going to make once they sink their puffy white-gloved mouse hands into the House of Ideas:

    10. All homosexual characters are to be instantly killed/written out/undergo sexual orientation modification. The Human Torch will no longer be allowed to "Flame on!"

    9. All upcoming Marvel movies are to be recast with Zac Efron in the leading role, irrespective of actual age, race or gender of the hero in question.

    8. The Punisher will no longer punish criminals. Instead, he will now punish literacy and numeracy deficiencies in toddlers. Punishments far less likely to involve extreme death and dismemberment.

    7. Stan Lee to be cryogenically frozen and placed next to Walt under the Pirates of the Caribbean theme ride at Disneyland. Whether he likes it or not, motherfucker.

    6. Almost every female X-Men character's appearances will be "creatively reimagined" to resemble actual women rather than anatomically impossible turbo-whores. Comic nerds everywhere expected to cry, threaten to boycott the X-men comics and then not actually do anything about it.

    5. All future Marvel films to include at least three musical routines set in a High School, regardless of whether this is appropriate to the film's storyline or setting.

    4. Spider-Man to get a talking squirrel as a permanent sidekick.

    3. Spider-Man's name to be changed to "Bedbug-Man" because kids hate spiders. (Yet somehow do not find the idea of a gigantic half-human duckman with a speech impediment walking around without pants fucking disturbing)

    2. The Avengers will now more regularly avenge through the avenging power of musical theatre.

    1. Disney franchises will be re-released as "hip" comic characters with new origin stories in the following style: Mickey Marker was once an ordinary, geeky teenage boy. Bitten by a radioactive mouse, he developed the proportionate speed, strength and cheese-loving senses of a mouse! Having learned that "With lame powers comes no responsibility" he now fights crime and intolerance towards white middle to upper class people everywhere!

    Sunday, 30 August 2009

    Two Angry Robots "Addictions" Podcast

    In our latest podcast we take a humorous (promise!) look at "Addictions".

    We get angry at change room wookies and speedos, discuss the heavy ($23 quadrillion!!) costs of smoking, come clean about our addictions to Chuck Taylors and coffee (amongst other things) and attempt our first telephonic intervention … with horrible results.

    What would Amy Winehouse do if she was shipwrecked? Whose addiction to Nintendo Wii is killing the podcast dream? What makes me absolutely lose it at my podcasting partner in crime?

    Listen in here & find out!

    Thursday, 20 August 2009

    Two Angry Robots "Superheroes" Podcast

    My latest podcast (number seven) takes flight, with a superheroes theme!

    We get angry about the worst super powers of all time, encourage bus-related vigilantism, laugh at some real-life superheroes (including a flying nun & a trio of glue-wielding she-devils) and discuss the world’s most amazing politician: Vladimir Putin.

    Who is the mysterious vigilante "The Spear"? Why isn't invisibility all it's cracked up to be? Why is Mr. Fantastic ironically named (okay, that's an easy one)?

    Head over to the Two Angry Robots website and listen in!

    Comic Factoid of the Day

    Greetings Amazing Spider-Fans! Over the years, Norman Osborn, aka. The Green Goblin, has asserted himself as Spidey's #1 foe.

    However, Stormin' Norman isn't the only Goblin to have wailed on the webslinger. In total, there have been five Green Goblins, one Grey Goblin, one Demogoblin and five Hobgoblins (and that's all just in standard Marvel continuity)!

    For a paranoid criminal mastermind, Norman hasn't really done a bang up job with the "security" on those "secret" labs of his.

    Maybe he should just save everyone the four seconds it obviously takes to break into one of his incredibly secret lairs (now in 472 convenient locations) and just release the shit to the general public in energy drink form.

    Goblin Juice: The real demon in a bottle.
    (You'd have to be criminally insane not to drink it.)

    Sunday, 16 August 2009

    Comic Factoid of the Day

    Superman's repertoire of powers have changed a lot in the 71 years since he first appeared in Action Comics #1.

    His repertoire of powers once included: the power to change his face using superhuman control of his face muscles, the power of super-ventriloquism and the power of super-hypnosis!

    True story. Now, I love comics as much as the next (nerdy) guy but seriously, super-ventriloquism? The Man of Steel is awesome but the Man of Dubious Entertaining Skills is most certainly not. Give me the kryptonite, I'll put Supertool down myself.

    Friday, 14 August 2009

    Manslation: Date Night

    I was speaking to a female friend the other day who was looking forward to a first date with a young man she'd met earlier. She was trying hard not to freak out over what he might be expecting, what she should wear, etc and I had to remind her not to overthink things - men are simple creatures.

    Ladies, when you go to meet a man on your first date, here is what you might be thinking:
    I hope he's nice, if he's nice I hope he likes me, should I have worn the dress instead, I wonder what the food's going to be like, these shoes are hurting me but they look great, he better not be sleazy, did I send that e-mail before I left work, what was that new anti-cancer compound they mentioned in the paper today, and so forth.

    Because you are complicated creatures, at this point you are probably assuming that he is thinking similar things to you, except maybe the bit about the dress.

    Hahaha. He isn't. Here is a visual representation of what he's thinking:

    And that's pretty much it. Note I'm not saying that you need to show more cleavage for the date to go well. Relax! Manslation: If he turns up, he's interested! You don't need to worry what he's thinking about ... because he isn't.

    Legion: Holy Hell!

    Holy (hehe). Fkn. Shit. This film looks awesome. In fact, if "awesome" and "holy shit" had a baby raised by action/horror movies, this is what it would look like. If you like films in which angels & demons battle it out for the fate of mankind, of course. Which I do. This is what Angels & Demons SHOULD have been about instead of a massive conspiracy that strangely involved only two people and a bunch of cryptic crossword puzzles. Damn you, Ron Howard!

    Watch and salivate, fellow geeks! Ummm... maybe don't let the kids watch this trailer. Ummm... and any particularly Christian peoples might want to avoid it too. Wheee!

    Legion stars Paul Bettany, Dennis Quaid, Kate Walsh and a host of Angelic cannon fodder and is set for release on January 10th, 2010. Can't wait!

    P.S. Hehehe ... this post title is so puntastic it's crazy! Man, I make myself laugh sometimes with my own hilarity. Sigh. Sorry.

    Monday, 27 July 2009

    10 Most Evilestest Cobra Soldiers

    To celebrate (or perhaps "pretend I didn't see" would be more appropriate) the release of G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, I'm following up my list of the best Joes with a complimentary list of their biggest foes - the 10 most evilestest members of Cobra Command. A funny thing happened while I was compiling this list - I realised just how many of these guys have an outfit that would be totally at home in Sydney's Gay & Lesbian Mardi Gras. Which is totally cool. I'm just sayin'.

    10. The Dreadnoks. Yes, it's cheating to put a whole team in at number 10 but I defy you to name them all. The Dreadnoks are Cobra's very own bikie gang. Destructive, sadistic and dangerous, they leave carnage in their wake. Having said that, I bet you can't pick one person from the picture below who doesn't lose it at the idea of doing it with dudes. Apart from Zartan. And the girls. Who I can guarantee you do not do it with dudes.

    9. Every evil team needs cannon fodder and the B.A.T.'s (Battle Android Troopers) are Cobra's. The first Cobra toy I owned was a BAT, which was awesome because they not only looked cool but also came with sweet accessories. If I was ever going to be mercilessly hunted down and killed by a robot from the future, I would want one of these guys to be that kill-o-bot.

    8 & 7. My friend Tim always really liked the twins Tomax and Xamot for his Cobra crew. Possibly he enjoyed the extreme level of organisation they display by ensuring they are always groomed to be the mirror image of one another. Seriously though, you can't tell me that if they were given the opportunity to shoot gay twin porn in Czechoslovakia, they wouldn't leave Cobra faster than you can say "I love golden hotpants".

    6. Destro has a metal head. A lot of people might consider this to be a pretty big set back in life, but Destro still holds down a stressful job as an international arms dealer, dates a hot chick (Baroness) and keeps his membership in an evil organisation up to date. That's pretty hardcore as far as I'm concerned. I mean, some people laugh at you for wearing glasses or being fat. Imagine what this poor f&%ker had to go through as a child.

    5. On the one hand, Croc Master is badass and mean because you have to respect any guy who trains reptiles and has an alligator for a pet. On the other hand, I don't think a room full of Project Runway contestants could come up with a gayer uniform than this one if they had a month of Sundays to design it. Seriously? What. The. Fuck.

    4. Serpentor: Anyone who can command a team and keep their respect whilst wearing a ridiculous costume and an oversized novelty snake hat has got to be one bad muthaf&%ka. It sends one of two messages: 1) "I'm so badass, I can wear this nasty costume and still kick your ass"; or, 2) "I'm so insane I don't even know what I'm wearing, where's the giant fish train glaarg?!" You just don't mess with that kind of crazy.

    3. Zartan, Master of Disguise, was a damn cool toy. The hood, heavy eye makeup and ability to change his face (he literally came with interchangeable faces) all made Zartan a must in the bad guy line up. You can always depend on Zartan to make it to the end of the battle and take down a few of the Joe's singlehanded. As a bonus, I think he'd be one of the least likely guys on the Cobra team to try and rape you in the showers. Note I said least likely. I'd still keep an eye out.

    2. I love Firefly. He was always one of my favourites in the backyard Joe Wars of yesteryear. Firefly is Cobra's go-to mysterious ninja master and saboteur extraordinare. Basically that means he loves blowing shit up and ninja kicking people's heads off. And he does it all in ultra-trendy urban camouflage with ski mask, beautifully accessorised with grenades on a spiffy bandolier. Can you ask for more?

    1. Cobra Commander has a cool outfit (with the hood), which is clearly the main reason you would choose anyone for a team of evildoers. Also, every evil team needs a truly insane meglomaniac as their leader. CC's monologue-ing skills are also a must have. As a side note, I just noticed that his uniform is disturbingly reminiscent of the Ku Klux Klan outfit, which itself conjures thoughts of banjos and secret (but totally manly, I'm sure) bumsex by the campfire. Aaah inbred hicks... gotta love 'em.

    Special mention: Baroness, for having one of the most crazy long ass Wikipedia write ups I've ever seen. Seriously, check it out. I guess that's what happens when you let comic nerds write about a "hot" fictional woman. Sweet baby Jesus.

    Thursday, 23 July 2009

    10 G.I. Joes You Need to Save the World

    In honour of the new (and very possibly terrible beyond belief) G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra movie out on August 7th, I'm taking a trip back to my childhood, to the glory days of the 1980's and the height of the battle for the fate of the world between the heroic G.I. Joe's and the nefarious COBRA Command.

    So many long, long hot summer days were spent with my best mate playing with the G.I. Joe 3 3/4 inch action figurines in his back yard. He had literally hundreds - a whole garbage bin full in fact. We would spend hours setting up the opposing armies and finding the perfect hiding spots for our favourite Joes before playing it all out, sometimes long into the night, until one side was victorious. Epic.

    So COBRA has a plan to take over the world, huh? No sweat. Based on my years of experience, here are the Top 10 G.I. Joe's that you need on your team if you want to save the world. Let me know if you agree in the comments section!

    10. Wet-Suit is the toughest and the meanest of Navy SEALS, as well as an underwater demolitions expert. That means he blows shit up. Underwater. Does it get more manly than that? Plus he's a snappy dresser who came with awesome accessories.

    9. Sci-Fi is a Laser Trooper. It's his job to shoot shit in the face from 4 kilometres away with a giant freakin laser gun. Everyone loves a sniper. And laser guns. Pewpew.

    8. Frostbite was the first G.I. Joe I ever owned, which was kick ass because he came packaged with the Snow Cat arctic assault vehicle. Nobody likes winter but Frostbite kicks Winter in the nuts and lives in the Arctic. By Choice. Even his name is more hardcore than you could ever be.

    7. Scarlett is the only female Joe in my top ten. A counter intelligence specialist and martial artist, her favoured weapon is the crossbow. A hot red head who can kick your ass five ways 'til Sunday? Snap!

    6. Every team needs a tech guy and Dial Tone is mine. This guy is like McGyver and Magnum P.I. rolled into one - he can make anything from a paper clip and a pet rock AND he has a moustache. Classy.

    5. Roadblock comes in at five. If you're ever building a team to save the world, you definitely want someone who can lift heavy ordinance on their own. Roadblock carries a fully loaded M2HB Browning Machine Gun as his personal weapon of choice. It weighs 55 freakin' kilograms and can fire a round over 7km. And you thought a Magnum was a big gun. He's so badass he could make Mr. T his prison bitch.

    4. If you want to defeat COBRA, you need a guy who can just get shit done. Shockwave is a S.W.A.T. specialist, the guy who kicks down doorways and shoots bad guys in the face, making 'Bad Boys'-esque wisecracks as he goes. He can probably even put together IKEA furniture without breaking a sweat.

    3. Every team needs a leader and Duke's the man for the job. He's level headed, fights alongside his men, and has a flat top haircut that Dolph Lundgren would be proud of.

    2. Everyone knows ninjas are awesome. If you need to stop COBRA from taking over the world, you want as much ninja awesomeness on your team as possible. Storm Shadow is the team's anti-hero, the one who you're never quite sure which side he's on, but he'll come good in the end. Plus his snow camouflage duds are the latest in ninja chic.

    1. Snake-Eyes is hands down the coolest G.I. Joe around. A mute ninja master with a mysterious past, Snake-Eyes isn't afraid to put aside martial arts and just go for a grenade when the situation requires. Oh, and if all of that doesn't make you want to wet yourself at the meer thought of his awesomeness, he has a wolf for a pet. Fuck you, everyone else in the world. Face it, no matter what you do in life you will never be this cool.

    Sunday, 19 July 2009

    10 Better Ways Ianto Could Have Died

    By now enough of you should have watched Torchwood: Children of Earth that I can post this without spoiling too many people's viewing experiences. Was anyone else incredibly disappointed with how they killed off poor Ianto Jones, particularly given the truly heroic deaths Owen and Tosh got last season? I was!

    Here are ten better ways Ianto could have gone out:

    10. Shredded by molten coffee beans whilst making espresso for the team when a freak clogging of the steam pipe caused the machine to explode.

    9. Threatened to hold his breath until the 456 left Earth and was forced to make good on his promise when they called his bluff.

    8. Strangled to death after tying necktie too tight.

    7. Assassinated by a sentient mutated vanilla boysenberry muffin from the planet Muffimatoria VI after unwittingly serving its brother with the team's morning coffee.

    6. Beaten to death whilst attempted to use Kung Fu on the 456 in the tank, not realising it knew "Mantis style".

    5. Broke his neck trying a strange alien Kama Sutra manoeuvre with Jack.

    4. Shot by Jack out of jealousy after Ianto announced that he was going to defect to the FBI because Mulder and Scully were offering "tag team action".

    3. Choked to death on a hot dog. No, not that kind of hot dog you dirty minded person, you!

    2. Eaten by a rift-mutated Goldfish named Terrence after accidentally blinding himself when he stepped outside Torchwood 3 to get Gwen and Jack's dry cleaning and looked down at his ridiculously shiny shoes, then stumbled over the railing into Cardiff Bay.

    1. Let's be honest - dying in pretty much any other frakking way imaginable that wasn't getting a virus that the 456 produced with no explanation of where it came from or hint that it was even a possibility and crying to death in Jack's arms.

    Tuesday, 14 July 2009

    10 Reasons Why I Wouldn't Work At Torchwood

    Having just finished watching the at-times stunning Torchwood: Children of Earth mini-series (despite the goodness, damn you for cutting it from a 13 to a 5 episode season, BBC! Damn you!), I have decided that working at Torchwood 3 with Jack and the (ever shrinking) gang could really suck.

    Here's 10 reasons why (possible SPOILERS below):

    10. Television viewing time would be severely decreased as the team spends a ridiculous amount of time at work.
    9. Risk of workplace being blown up much higher than current job. Could lose favourite mug in explosion.
    8. Tight deadlines based on regular end-of-the-world-type scenarios might lead to increased blood pressure.
    7. Elaborate workplace pranks are less fun when there's no chance of "accidentally" killing your annoying boss.
    6. Constant death and dismemberment of co-workers could really play havoc on workplace birthday cake roster.
    5. Would be forced to endure everyone being in love with the boss. Coffee break conversation likely to be limited and boring (or bitchy and really exciting, not 100% sure).
    4. Would possibly fall in love with the boss myself. This could be detrimental to my marriage. Curse your rakish good looks and masculine bravado, Captain Jack Harkness!
    3. Could find Cardiff difficult to navigate without the degree in Alien Languages required to understand Welsh. Additionally, might confuse Welsh citizens with aliens.
    2. Would have to work really hard to pretend that Gwen Cooper isn't more macho than I am. (She is.)
    1. My strong aversion to death makes me sensitive to the high probability of getting shot, virused, blown up or being disintegrated in a nuclear meltdown to death whilst on the job. Poor workplace safety standards are a major turn-off.

    Monday, 13 July 2009

    10 Non-Obvious Reasons Why Being Spider-Man Would Be Awesome

    At some point in their lives, most guys want to be a superhero of some description - Wolverine, Batman, Superman, etc. The difference between most guys and me is that I am still 100% certain that I will be a superhero. It's only a matter of time.

    My superhero of choice? The Amazing Spider-Man. Here's 10 reasons you might not have thought of about why it would kick ass to be Spidey:

    10. The ability to wear form-fitting spandex suits in public without making terrible fashion faux pas is a dream come true.
    9. I would probably not be as afraid of spiders as I currently am.
    8. Talking about your archnemesis(es) is a way cooler dinner party opener than 'How about that weather?'
    7. Having the physique of a superhero makes buying jeans a much easier, less scary proposition.
    6. Much wider audience for my witty one-liners.
    5. Get to spend a lot more time outdoors. (Not really sure this is a perk in retrospect but I'm too lazy to change it now.)
    4. Transportation costs significantly reduced. I would never have to wait for a bus again, or sit next to dubious fellow passengers who smell suspiciously of urine.
    3. Being so agile and bendy makes even the weirdest shit in the Kama Sutra an option during "special cuddles".
    2. Spider sense would significantly decrease the amount of times I walk into things, trip over things and generally hurt myself in new and amazing ways.
    1. I guess having the proportionate strength, speed and agility of a spider along with a genius level IQ, the ability to cling to any surface, superhuman durability, reflexes and equilibrium and web-slinging skills would all be pretty good too.

    Sunday, 5 July 2009

    Two Angry Robots Podcast

    If you happen to have enjoyed any of my bloggings and feel like you could do with more of the same but not the same because you wouldn't have to read anything, then I have news for you:

    People have walked on the moon!

    No wait, that's not right, that's old news. Which means its good news. No wait, no news is good news, not old news is good news. That limits my options - I can either give you no news, or give you bad news. Fine. The bad news then:

    I have a weekly podcast! Go check out and listen to it there, or find it on iTunes - downloadable for free, of course because I'm that kind of guy.

    Monday, 15 June 2009

    Me Vs Bitches

    It's time to dust off the soap box and have a good old fashioned gripe about something. In this case, the soap box is this blog, dusting is writing and that something is my friends, the eponymous "Bitches" referred to in the title.

    I remember a time when my friendships used to be mutual. It seems to be a long time ago now but I'm sure this was the case. Sometimes I would call or sms my friends to organise things (in this case "things" are mutually enjoyable activities that can be simultaneously experienced by two or more willing participants), sometimes they would call or sms me. This seemed to be a fair and equitable arrangement.

    But things have changed. I got married. ("Aha!" I hear you cry. "It's your fault!" but I shall prove my innocence.) Upon announcing my decision to my friends, they congratulated me profusely and then almost universally added, "Just don't forget about us" and other things of that nature.

    Ironically though, whilst I still go to the effort of calling, sms'ing and organising, it is my non-married friends (aka. the "bitches") who have stopped returning the favour. Some seem to have developed an extreme inability to operate a mobile phone bordering on the phobic. Ironic in a non-Alanis Morrisett kind of a way, in the sense of being actually ironic.

    Is it me? Have I done something? Not done something? The answer, of course, is "No." I'm perfect. Damn bitches.

    Friday, 29 May 2009

    Me Vs Swine Flu

    I'm sick. I've been sick all week. This makes me angry. When I get angry, I like to have someone to blame. Blaming others makes me feel a bit better.

    These are my usual go-to blaming options when unwell:
    1. My students. They come to school with their ebola and their syphillis and what have you and cough and sniff over everything. Walking in to a classroom in winter is like walking into a horror movie - all you see are leaking noses, open mouths and vacant eyes. (Admittedly the vacant eyes may be a feature common to all students at all times.)
    2. My doctor. I can get angry at my doctor because:
    a) It's always a "virus" and I need to sleep it off. Why did I bother coming to see you again? Why did YOU bother going through six years of medical degree again?
    b) The word 'doctor' implies a certain level of responsibility for a patient. Where were they when I was getting sick in the first place?!
    3. Everyone else. Why? Because I'm sick. Fuck off!

    Note the following are NOT useful blaming options:
    1. Me. When you get sick you have a constitutional and a morally obligatory right to wallow in self-pity. Anyone who tries to whinge about you whinging is impinging on your rights and is, therefore, a fascist. Tell them so. Suggest they frog march into the kitchen and make you some chicken soup.
    2. My wife. This should be obvious. If it is not, I pity you. If it is not and you are married, you are really in some serious trouble, my friend.

    But now, thanks to the media's constant attempts to beat up a story in an effort to give me something else I need to fear, I can now blame a new group of people: Foreigners! Or, at the least, rich bastards who can still afford to go on holidays and boat cruises during these uncertain economic times. It is particularly satisfying to get angry at rich foreign bastards. Not just for the flu but also because "they" "took" "all" of "our" jobs and caused Brad and Jennifer to split up. Bastards.

    Look, here's how it works: Perhaps if I slept more, ate more fruit and veggies and exercised more regularly, I wouldn't have gotten sick... nah, that's not it... it was those damn foreigners!

    Blah, I'm going back to bed.

    Tuesday, 31 March 2009

    Me VS Torture Chambers

    In Medieval times, when people were bad they were put in a torture chamber.

    Today, we call it "the gym" and we pay people to get in.

    Go figure.

    Sunday, 22 March 2009


    There's some movie out at the moment based on a self-help book that teaches women how to understand what men are actually saying when they say the things they say. Or perhaps it is about what they say when they don't say things. Which is, I guess, what men don't say when they aren't saying something. Or maybe it's what they do say when they aren't saying things.

    Based on the above, this seems like a fucking confusing book to me. I don't know why any of you ladies bothered to read it in the first place.

    However, be not afraid as there is still hope for you. I am here and I have decided to be the manslator that ladies apparently so desperately need, by manslating some basic things for the prettier half of the species.

    Ladies, before we begin you need to be aware of something: men are fucking stupid. This is not a joke or a witty observation. It is just, sadly, the truth. If you bear in mind this one simple truth and think about everything men do in light of it, you will find that the things we do and say make a lot more sense.

    The second thing you need to understand is that because men are stupid, we are by nature very simple. Whilst our brains can tolerate thinking about a broad range of topics, they can only do so for a limited amount of time before returning to the basics: food, sleep, boobs, leisure activities (sports/video games/beer).

    Now you know, in all honesty, everything you need to know in order to manslate for yourself. Here are a few examples, just to show you how it works:

    1) You: Do you want to go out with me and my friends tonight?
    Him: No baby/honey/shnookywooks, you go out and have fun with the girls! Let your hair down.
    You think: He is being nice and giving you some time to yourself.
    Manslation: That sounds boring! I will instead eat KFC, drink beer and watch footy with my friends.

    2) You: Do I look good in this?
    Him: Yes.
    You think: It's a nice compliment.
    Manslation: 'Yes' is a good option because: a) I avoid getting into trouble; and, b) I possibly increase my chances of having sex with you in the near future.

    3) You: Do you ever watch porn?
    Him: No.
    Come on ladies, this is an easy one!
    You think: He's telling the truth. (Hahahaha)
    Manslation: Yes, I do. I sure do.

    4) You: What are you thinking about?
    Him: Oh, nothing really.
    You think: He's thinking about the things you're thinking about like chores, life goals, that book you finished last week, etc.
    Manslation: Sex sex sex sex sex sex.

    5) You: (in bed) Are you tired?
    Him: (guarded/sleepily) How come?
    You think: He's cute when he's tired.
    Manslation: I am being cautious because if you want to talk, I'm going to sleep but if you want to have sex, I am in. In fact, I've never been so awake in my ENTIRE LIFE.

    So there you have it, the basic principles for understanding men, manslated for your pleasure.

    Ladies of the internet, if you do not yet feel confident enough to manslate for yourself from the above, feel free to post your queries and I will happily manslate for you. Because that's the kind of guy I am.

    Disclaimer: In the event that my lovely wife reads this, obviously I am different to the average male I speak of and therefore, my man words manslate differently to the man words I have manslated above. Additionally, please remember that I do the washing up and take out the garbage so you can't divorce me because otherwise you would have to do these chores yourself.

    Friday, 13 March 2009

    Me VS School Technology

    As a teacher, I am constantly being urged by the "Powers That Be" (or PTBs, thanks Angel) to integrate technology into my lessons on a regular basis. The thinking behind this is sound - we are living in an increasingly technological age and teachers need to prepare students for this to the best of their abilities.

    On the face of it, I have no problems with this - I agree with the general concept and I can even do the following exceptionally technological things:
    1) Send e-mail and attach things to email (there was a half day training session on this, no joke)
    2) Make PowerPoint presentations that use photos and sounds AND videos
    3) Write a blog (bonus points at my school for knowing what that is)
    4) Make/listen to a podcast and/or make/watch a vodcast (more bonus points)

    I also know what Twitter is (ULTRA bonus points!!), have a Facebook account and know where to find myspace... although all that's ever gotten me is a severe epileptic fit from those fucking crazy wallpapers everyone always uses. Seriously people, what the fuck?! (For another blog, perhaps)

    I know, I know. Right now you're thinking, "Holy fucking shit! Is this guy Captain Computer or what?!" Be calm, mere mortal. We cannot all tread amidst such lofty heights. Though your mind may be blown by my amazingness, do your best to cram it back in and carry on reading.

    So anyway, I know about quite a bit of "cutting edge" technology and this week I decided to be uber technological and make a few lessons extra special. Here's what happened:

    1) Could not show students videos relevant to their learning because youtube is blocked, even to teachers.
    2) Could not access Microsoft's free online learning tools because they require a hotmail address. Hotmail is blocked.
    3) Internet explorer crashes every time I try to access sites such as and others
    4) Tried to make a crossword online. Internet explorer crashed after I'd typed in 30 question/answers ... and didn't save any of it.
    5) Half the computers in any given computer room don't work.
    6) Websites requiring Flash player don't run.
    7) Students drafting assignments at home on new versions of MS Office can't open them at school, because school has the 2003 version... I don't have the admin privileges to install software.

    None of this is an exaggeration and all of this happened this week. The truly funny thing is that's not even half of the fun I had with technology this week.

    Upon reflection, it is clear that God was trying to teach me a lesson and I think I've finally figured it out. From now on, it's worksheets all the way, baby.

    Until the photocopier breaks down again.......