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    Thursday, 7 August 2008

    I Dream of Zombie(s)

    At least once a week, I dream about zombies. The setting is often different, as are the cast of characters in my dreams (including friends, family and randoms). The constant is that I'm usually working my ass off to fend off a ravening horde of shambling corpses who are all intent on eating my brain and feasting off my free range intestines.

    I've thought a lot about where these nightmares might come from. Obviously, the fact that I watch a fair few horror films doesn't help, nor does the fact I have a love/fear thing about zombies. I hate the idea of them - a painfully slow yet inescapable mass of dead people with an insatiable appetite for their ex-friends and loved ones. Of course what this means is that I like to watch movies with them even more because it adds to the scare factor.

    Yet somehow, these reasons weren't good enough - they don't explain the frequency or longevity of these dreams. So I decided to do the only sensible thing possible - consult google and other assorted dream diary websites (preferably the ones that make no mention of any particular expertise in the field of dream interpretation or psychology) for the answers.

    Here's what I found out: Nobody has any fucking clue what dreaming about zombies means.

    I hear you gasp. "No! The internet? Be unhelpful? That's impossible!" Alas, it's true. I wanted to hitch a ride on the information superhighway and instead I got run over by a truck that stole my underpants.

    For your viewing pleasure, here are some of the suggestions for reasons for zombie dreams. They include (but are not limited to):
    • Attacking a zombie can mean that you are beating yourself up for your nasty habits, e.g. drinking, smoking, etc (I don't drink or smoke);
    • It can mean that you are testing your mental and physical capabilities;
    • It can indicate that you are feeling overwhelmingly helpless, hopeless (and very possibly slightly depressed);
    • Zombie dreams tell us that we are afraid of not being in control; and finally, my personal favourite,
    • Dreaming about zombies means that you have harmed people in a previous life and they are now out for revenge. Apparently, the only way to avoid said revenge is to "shine your light" onto them (possibly a metaphor for shining a torch into the eyes of the revengeful bastards' eyes until they are disoriented enough for you to kick them in their zombie junk and then run away very fast) and admit that you are desperate to help them.
    I have to be honest and say that I'm not desperate to help anyone who turns into a zombie. At the point you start trying to eat my brains, or you succeed in eating somebody else's brains, or you don't notice if I cut off your arm, you are pretty much beyond any help I feel capable of providing.

    All of my friends and loved ones have already been informed that in the event of a zombie apocalypse and them becoming zombified, I will be the first one to blow their heads off with extreme prejudice.

    So anyway, the dream diaries and pop psychologists suck. I guess that means I'm on my own with the zombies. Ah well, at least I'll be mentally prepared for the zombie apocalypse when it comes.

    PS - It *IS* coming. Don't say I didn't warn you.

    If I Ruled the World...

    The following changes would occur:
    • 4 day working week, 3 day weekends for all! (because hey, I'm a benevolent dictator);
    • Day light savings will now be all year round (I just like it is all);
    • Chocolate would improve your fitness and tighten your abs;
    • Doctor Who seasons will consist of 40 episodes per year. David Tennant to be cloned if necessary (NB: Cloning technology to be perfected asap);
    • The scientists will give me godlike super powers, which I shall use to rule you all... benevolently;
    • World Leader (me) to be guarded by crack team of ninja pirate assassins; and,
    • Existence of aliens to be revealed to the world as a universal truth. The world's not flat and we're not alone, people!
    These items to be banned:
    • Calories in food. There will be no such thing as "bad food";
    • Zombies outside of movies (I like my brains in my head, thanks very much);
    • Women wearing shapeless baggy dresses with large belts and black tights. Sorry ladies, it's just not fashionable at all;
    • The wearing of Ugg boots as shoes in public, and/or the wearing of tights as acceptable out-of-home-or-gym pants. No. Just... no. You don't look cool. Wearing either of these things makes you look like an absolute tasteless fuckwit;
    • Almost all Reality TV. The brain melting must stop; and,
    • Petrol-driven cars. We all know the electric and water powered cars work and you bought the patents you car company BASTARDS! Stop killing our planet or I send my crack team of ninja pirate assassins to destroy you all.
    Obviously I would also cure the sick, end poverty, make hot chicks go out with geeks, bring back Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Serenity to TV and blah blah blah do all of the other good stuff that Ghandi was into... only probably better.

    One day my loyal minions, one day...

    Wednesday, 6 August 2008

    Miley Cyrus + Daniel Radcliffe = $$

    I just read an article on the Sydney Morning Herald website detailing how much Miley and Danny made in the year just past.

    Miley made $58.8 million from her concert performances earlier this year.
    Daniel has allegedly clocked in a cool $54.5 million for starring in the last two Harry Potter films.

    Now, here's my question:


    How is the average person even supposed to dream of making that much money? If you're old enough to read this and haven't earnt it already, I'm sorry to say that the ship has probably sailed for you personally, my friend. Forget about being a multi-millionaire entertainment star in your own right.

    Fear not, I have figured out the solution for the likes of us. Here's how it's done:
    When I have children, I'm so going to force them into the entertainment industry and work them to the bone until they make me ridiculously large amounts of money. They can divorce me at 18 but by then I'll be rich! RICH I TELLS YA! AhahahAHAHAHA!!

    Man, I wish I owned that Radcliffe kid...