tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33792205667176277502024-03-05T21:11:31.197+11:00Do Robots Dream?Extreme skiing. Mountaineering. Base jumping. These are all activities I'm horrifically scared of. This blog is devoted to all of the wondrous things that help me avoid the outdoors at all costs - writing, movies, comics, T.V. shows, pop culture and geek humour.Robbie Bolandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04849871714554566527noreply@blogger.comBlogger55125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3379220566717627750.post-22664514454646174312011-09-06T22:13:00.001+10:002011-09-06T22:37:09.220+10:00Deal Test<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqSd-LkgDFWlSlqFeXY3yozCRaKyXMp75iQA9XALerVwpzwwWLA99QlDfGq9y7dj2jXOoG9F7D2ZJ8BPWTk-G45N6OxsUTeBGSYql-WZ7c6YvnvpwIHk1igYgprfCaHplQtMbpoMpP59s/s1600/R2-DealWithit.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqSd-LkgDFWlSlqFeXY3yozCRaKyXMp75iQA9XALerVwpzwwWLA99QlDfGq9y7dj2jXOoG9F7D2ZJ8BPWTk-G45N6OxsUTeBGSYql-WZ7c6YvnvpwIHk1igYgprfCaHplQtMbpoMpP59s/s1600/R2-DealWithit.gif" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />Robbie Bolandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04849871714554566527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3379220566717627750.post-29048468846325325642011-09-05T20:27:00.000+10:002011-09-05T20:27:12.712+10:00Deal<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdHbWJ4TRl_Mb4hGtRZEjMxvQcipnqEX-yJ0V5XFN7fKpqaMEentx4bsmp0iyIqxuS19XFbHpwgfJTHpKOZjSToXfKpA9vvaRMHIC-Tr8VjskM1Ku0gi-QO_dCSABfCpV-WTq-VJuWpyI/s1600/R2DealWithIt.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdHbWJ4TRl_Mb4hGtRZEjMxvQcipnqEX-yJ0V5XFN7fKpqaMEentx4bsmp0iyIqxuS19XFbHpwgfJTHpKOZjSToXfKpA9vvaRMHIC-Tr8VjskM1Ku0gi-QO_dCSABfCpV-WTq-VJuWpyI/s640/R2DealWithIt.gif" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUj8RsgRCkED4wrqXCIclFDGiaHcuiU0xReWx0-3bLHiRH8kEv0zuIqEa-A96Qgb5d8OeL69b743cb2wJ9d_8Wc-cCtlS8I0VIjIUFiB3k8evEK5cXX81XK6uRqUxG8VpR0gTn-Lr3jJo/s1600/R2DealWithIt2.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUj8RsgRCkED4wrqXCIclFDGiaHcuiU0xReWx0-3bLHiRH8kEv0zuIqEa-A96Qgb5d8OeL69b743cb2wJ9d_8Wc-cCtlS8I0VIjIUFiB3k8evEK5cXX81XK6uRqUxG8VpR0gTn-Lr3jJo/s640/R2DealWithIt2.gif" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />Robbie Bolandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04849871714554566527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3379220566717627750.post-12142422556743046052010-05-03T22:23:00.001+10:002010-05-03T22:26:29.476+10:00Doctoring Who: Victory of the Daleks<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.broadcastnow.co.uk/pictures/586xAny/8/5/7/1114857_doctor_who_vortex.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="212" src="http://www.broadcastnow.co.uk/pictures/586xAny/8/5/7/1114857_doctor_who_vortex.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
I am in love with the new series of <b>DOCTOR WHO</b> - Moffat is taking the show in a fantastic direction and Smith and Gillan are outstanding as the Doctor (mad, alien, perfect) and Amy Pond (mad, perfect, gorgeous). Way better, even, than I could have hoped.<br />
<br />
So far I've really enjoyed everything with the exception of the "Victory of the Daleks" episode. Did anyone else watch it and feel like it was just lacking somehow? Although I could prod at quite a few points that niggled at me (don't even get me started on the whole stopping the bomb with the power of love moment), I think the main problem was simply that the resurrection of the Daleks felt wrong. It was rushed and it's happened so many times now that it felt a bit empty.<br />
<br />
I mean, how many times can you see the "The last Dalek ship in creation hid away in some corner of time and space only to build the ultimate Dalek army only to be destroyed in minutes, rinse, repeat" storyline before you lose interest?<br />
<br />
Rather than crying about what I didn't like, I've been thinking about what I might have done to improve the story. "My" story is essentially the same up until the big reveal of the Dalek rebirth.<br />
<br />
The Daleks explain that in the final seconds of "Journey's End" they knew they were going to be destroyed. Davros understood that at last his creations would be wiped from existence once and for all so he did the only thing he could - he sent a beacon down to the planet below, one that slipped through time, searching for a home.<br />
<br />
The beacon landed in Germany just after WWII has begun and immediately began whispering promises and secrets, crawling into the minds of those who heard it. It was taken to Nazi high command and from there to a top secret scientific facility, where the scientists began working on the ultimate weapon, seized by a collective inspiration they cannot explain.<br />
<br />
However the facility was captured by the Allies and brought back wholesale to Britain. The project is finished and the Daleks are built but the children of Skaro are dead and in their place, encased forever in a metal tomb, are the new Daleks -- the children of earth.<br />
<br />
The Doctor recoils in horror, heartbroken as he realises that his greatest enemy and his most beloved charges have become one. And of course, the ultimate irony is that it isn't even the Nazis who are responsible for the rebirth of the most genocidal species in the universe...<br />
<br />
I'm sure this will be controversial for some WHO fans out there but I think it was about time for a massive shakeup in the Dalek mythos and to me the idea that there's a human of some kind inside that shell makes it much more horrifying.<br />
<br />
So what do you think? Post a comment and let me know!Robbie Bolandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04849871714554566527noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3379220566717627750.post-70053785114057145502010-01-14T17:03:00.000+11:002010-01-14T17:03:45.991+11:00Today's Words of InspirationWriting can be really difficult. Having just passed 200 pages in my very first attempted novel, I feel like I've been working for ages on something without any reward. At times it kills me not to be able to wave it in someone's face and get that immediate feedback that I so desperately crave.<br />
<br />
Sometimes I need to find something inspirational to keep me going. It might be an idea that energises me, or reading a great book or sometimes even just a wonderful quote to keep things in perspective.<br />
<br />
Here are the words that got me through today:<br />
<i>It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.</i> - Theodore Roosevelt, "The Man in the Arena" speech, 1910.Robbie Bolandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04849871714554566527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3379220566717627750.post-38749058141105532742010-01-14T11:05:00.000+11:002010-01-14T11:05:11.100+11:00Transformers: War for CybertronNow, I love video games and I love Transformers but the recent video game adaptations of the (very enjoyable) first and (utterly horrible) second film were very standard, so I was trying not to get too excited about the new upcoming Transformers game... until I saw this trailer.<br />
<br />
And now... OH SWEET JESUS, OPTIMUS CATCHES A FUCKING MISSILE AND HAS AN AXE AND THERE ARE GIANT FUCKING TRANSFORMERS WITH HEAD LASERS!!! I MUST HAVE THIS NOW!!!!<br />
<br />
<object width="560" height="340"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/XinVIq8VN4s&hl=en_US&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/XinVIq8VN4s&hl=en_US&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="560" height="340"></embed></object>Robbie Bolandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04849871714554566527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3379220566717627750.post-4928366737368754182010-01-08T13:22:00.000+11:002010-01-08T13:22:22.700+11:00Tucker & Dale vs EvilI am completely in love with this preview. I'm a massive fan of both Alan Tudyk (of <b>Firefly</b> and more recently <b>Dollhouse</b> fame) and Tyler Labine (<b>Reaper</b>), I love horror movies generally and the idea of inverting the horror genre in this way is totally awesome.<br />
<br />
Normally I'm almost as afraid of inbred hicks as I am of zombies (Ohmygod -- inbred hick zombies!! ARGH!) but this is one time I'll be cheering on Team Backwater Inbred Hick as they duke it out against Team Douchebag from the City.<br />
<br />
<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/nx0GaB2EHUs&hl=en_US&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/nx0GaB2EHUs&hl=en_US&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>Robbie Bolandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04849871714554566527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3379220566717627750.post-68879829252311687502010-01-08T12:24:00.003+11:002010-01-08T12:39:46.457+11:00The Biggest Fails of 2009The number one thing I ask myself when watching these videos is, "What the fuck did you THINK was going to happen?" Still, I'm glad they went through with it anyway because now my stomach hurts from all of the laughing. I just hope that most of these people lived to tell the tale... except perhaps the ones who totally deserved it.<br /><br /><br /><object type="application/x-shockwave-flash" data="http://www.collegehumor.com/moogaloop/moogaloop.swf?clip_id=1927354&fullscreen=1" width="480" height="360" ><param name="allowfullscreen" value="true"/><param name="wmode" value="transparent"/><param name="allowScriptAccess" value="always"/><param name="movie" quality="best" value="http://www.collegehumor.com/moogaloop/moogaloop.swf?clip_id=1927354&fullscreen=1"/><embed src="http://www.collegehumor.com/moogaloop/moogaloop.swf?clip_id=1927354&fullscreen=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="480" height="360" allowScriptAccess="always"></embed></object><div style="padding:5px 0; text-align:center; width:480px;">See more <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/videos">funny videos</a> and <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/pictures">funny pictures</a> at <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/">CollegeHumor</a>.</div>Robbie Bolandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04849871714554566527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3379220566717627750.post-69424357065840871042009-12-18T16:51:00.004+11:002009-12-18T17:33:51.819+11:00Top 10 Reasons it Would Suck to Be An Ewok<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://blog.stackoverflow.com/wp-content/uploads/ewok-closeup.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 258px; height: 238px;" src="http://blog.stackoverflow.com/wp-content/uploads/ewok-closeup.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />Ewoks have such a raw deal. George Lucas initially planned to make them Wookies. Wookies, for god's sake! How much ass would that have kicked? Heaps!<br /><br />Here are 10 other reasons why it would suck to be an Ewok:<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">10.</span> Height restrictions suck! Only allowed on the children's rides at Disneyland. Also not allowed to operate most heavy machinery.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">9.</span> Very little designer clothing made for the Ewok market.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">8.</span> People occasionally confuse you for a koala, when you <span style="font-style: italic;">clearly</span> descend from the drop bear family.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">7.</span> Difficult to get the girls - they don't like dating guys/ewoks who are shorter than them.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">6.</span> Even if you do get the girl, she will probably an ewok and, let's be honest, they're not great lookers.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">5.</span> C-3PO would be just about the shittiest god I could possibly imagine.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">4.</span> All that fur makes Summer a real bitch. Don't even get me started on waxing that bikini line.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">3.</span> The language barrier makes it difficult for humans to distinguish between Ewok for "You look nice today" and "Holy fucking shit, watch out for that AT-ST!"<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">2.</span> Tendency to be cast as comedy sidekicks in action sequences, even when you absolutely decimate the technically and numerically superior invading force using a couple of logs and some stones.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">1.</span> People find it difficult to take you seriously when your name is Wicket and you don't wear pants.Robbie Bolandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04849871714554566527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3379220566717627750.post-88955756484701343052009-12-14T19:24:00.005+11:002009-12-14T21:53:11.799+11:00Simile of the DaySuccessful dating is like a really good magic trick. You have to get your audience to believe they're seeing something wonderful, when in fact you're just using sleight of hand and misdirection to keep the horrible truth hidden behind all the smoke and mirrors.Robbie Bolandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04849871714554566527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3379220566717627750.post-15318024168935025662009-12-11T20:30:00.007+11:002009-12-12T11:59:54.154+11:00The True Meaning of Christmas<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.funny-potato.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/12/merry-christmas.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 390px; height: 292px;" src="http://www.funny-potato.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/12/merry-christmas.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />Christmas is fast approaching. Every year it seems to approach that little bit faster, with the speed and stealth of a rocket-propelled ninja panther traveling through the vacuum of space on ice skates. But what is it, really? Do people really think about what they're celebrating in this helterskelter day and age?<br /><br />Here are a few suggestions for what the <span style="font-weight: bold;">true</span> meaning of Christmas is:<br /><br />1) According to my supermarket, Christmas is a special time of eating too much shortbread and buying hilariously overpriced chocolate packages left over from Easter that have been re-branded to have vaguely Christmas-themed packaging. Supermarket Christmas runs from November - January. I think it's a season now.<br /><br />2) According to my TV, Christmas is a special time where dreams really can come true, so long as they involve finally getting the parent I've always wanted after approximately 1.5 hours of hijinx involving someone temporarily and comically becoming Santa Claus. It appears that Tim Allen is contractually obliged to be involved.<br /><br /><span class="status-body"><span class="entry-content">3) Christmas is a special time when people remember the birth of Jesus Christ. Or his death. Or whatever, just give me my presents.<br /><br />4) Christmas is a special time when people come together to celebrate the "true" gifts they have been given - friends and family. *snigger* I know, right?! These people are traditionally called "hippies" and are under no circumstances to be allowed access to your Christmas gathering. They will smell bad and feed your children communist propaganda and hash brownies.<br /></span></span><br />5) Christmas is a special time when families gather together at a predetermined battleground to wage no-holds-barred psychological warfare on an epic scale. All parties are required by International Treaty to first participate in a pre-conflict ritual known as "The Stuffing of Faces With Food" in order to even the playing field. Combatants then use "presents" to punish, disappoint, mystify or even (on some rare cases) build a false sense of security in their opponents, to be exploited on a later occasion.<br /><br />"But what is the true meaning of Christmas?" I imagine I hear you clamor. I'm afraid that's not for me to say. You must look into your heart and blah blah spiritually uplifting message and so forth.<br /><br />All I can tell you is that for me, Christmas is a special time when people come together to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ by decorating a tree as brightly and colourfully as possible in order to lure a magical fat man in a red suit to your house and then trap him there, with the expectation that he will leave "gifts" (i.e. "ransom payments") under the tree in exchange for his personal freedom.<br /><br />Merry Christmas, everybody.Robbie Bolandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04849871714554566527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3379220566717627750.post-10165684119937806562009-10-12T10:18:00.003+11:002009-10-12T10:30:31.001+11:00If There is A GodIf there is a God<br />He spun the stars from darkness<br />and made the Earth from scratch<br /><br />If there is a God<br />He built a universe so vast<br />Our far distant children will never see its end<br /><br />If there is a God<br />He is All Seeing<br />All Knowing<br />All Powerful<br /><br />That means<br />Before He made You,<br />He knew what You would do<br /><br />If there is a God<br />He doesn't care what you wear<br />He doesn't care who you hug on a cold winter's night<br />He doesn't even care what you call him<br /><br />If there is a God<br />He doesn't want you to fight over him<br />Because He knows the truth reveals itself in time<br /><br />If there is a GodRobbie Bolandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04849871714554566527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3379220566717627750.post-19356878687071782672009-09-27T18:18:00.002+10:002009-09-27T18:26:50.793+10:00I Have Seen the Creature That Will Eat My SoulSeriously.<br /><br />Holy fucking shit. I love animals as a general rule but this is one creature so horrifying that we need to get everyone on earth to band together, get a shit ton of bazookas and then hunt down every single last one of these hellcreatures and destroy it with extreme prejudice.<br /><br />Then burn the ground and salt the earth to make sure it doesn't rise from the dead, which I presume it can do and already has done based on how this godforsaken demonbeast looks.<br /><br />Meet the Creature That Will Eat My Soul (aka. The Madagascan Aye Aye Lemur):<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://a.abcnews.com/images/Technology/ap_aye_aye_080410_ssh.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 415px; height: 321px;" src="http://a.abcnews.com/images/Technology/ap_aye_aye_080410_ssh.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />What. The Fuck. Is. That. You know what, I don't care. Fuck you, nature.Robbie Bolandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04849871714554566527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3379220566717627750.post-17073944904219532932009-09-16T17:59:00.007+10:002009-09-17T10:50:27.251+10:00Me Vs Dan BrownDan Brown's latest novel, <span style="font-weight: bold;">The Lost Symbol</span>, has just been released and I, like so many others, went out to the book store to grab my own copy. I think it's because I enjoy the overall journey despite the prose being riddled with annoying quirks that sometimes make me laugh unintentionally or jar me from the novel's reality.<br /><br />These quirks include: Cliched / cookie cutter opening sentence; massive overabundance of unnecessary details; lame dialogue; recycled characters / events / situations; horrible metaphors and similes; incorrect word usage; extremely obvious "twists" and, really, really bad descriptions of characters.<br /><br />Yet here I am, with the new book in my hands. And even more annoyingly, I know I'll probably enjoy it. Unless it turns out that this is another book about a worldwide conspiracy involving an ancient mystical order of thousands of members that actually consists of only two people. If that happens I will set this book on fire and never, ever buy another Dan Brown novel.<br /><br />To celebrate the release of <span style="font-weight: bold;">The Lost Symbol</span> and in honour of Mr. Brown's success in the face of adversity, I give you my imagined version of Dan Brown's first draft of his next novel, <span style="font-weight: bold;">"The Lost Artefact of Ambiguousness"</span>.<br /><br /> Archaeologist Peter Oldman listened in horror as the horrible beeping sound clawed at his ears like a rake claws at a pile of dry autumn leaves. He knew with the certainty that Howard Carter must have felt when he descended the steps of tomb KV62 in Egypt's Valley of the Kings that he was going to die. <span style="font-style: italic;">I am</span>, thought Peter Oldman intrinsically, <span style="font-style: italic;">going to die</span>.<br /> In front of him, strapped to several bricks of C4 explosive<span style="text-decoration: underline;"></span><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Explosives" title="Explosives" class="mw-redirect"></a>, plastic binder, plasticizer<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Plasticizer" title="Plasticizer"></a> and taggant chemicals 2,3-dimethyl-2,3-dinitrobutane was a mobile phone. He knew with an absolute yet completely unnecessary to the plot or current action certainty that the phone was a Nokia N95 with a 332 MHz processor and 64MB of SDRAM.<br /> The ringing stopped as suddenly as a stop sign appearing out of the fog on a foggy day and a voice crackled through the speaker.<br /> 'Hello, Mr. Oldman,' the voice sublimated. Oldman had never heard the voice before yet somehow knew he had heard it every day before now.<br /> Peter gasped, 'What do you want with me? I've told you everything I know about the Lost Artefact of Ambiguousness.'<br /> The stranger, who called himself Zekal'Mor rather than his real name, even in his own inner monologue, because it would keep the audience guessing about his identity for another three chapters, laughed strategically.<br /> 'Isn't it obvious?' Zekal'Mor asked in an unintentionally rhetorical way. He paused while he thought of some incredibly cliched dialogue, then added, 'I want you to die.'<br /> Before Peter Oldman could deposit another thought, the hot heat of the explosion's explosive inner sanctum disintegrated him completely, leaving behind nothing but ash.<br /><br /> Symbologist Robert Langdon frowned at the ancient manuscript in front of him. Showing a careless disregard for the irreplaceable and incredibly fragile document that one would expect from a highly celebrated University Professor, he held the parchment up to the light.<br /> He gasped. 'This is the Symbol for the AAA - the Alliance of the Artefact of Ambiguousness.'<br /> Although this was a good time to explain what his comment meant, it was an even better time to awkwardly describe Robert Langdon's physical appearance because it is important to give a detailed description of any male characters as soon as they appear in your story.<br /> Langdon was not traditionally good looking though he did look oddly like Dan Brown and almost every woman he met in the course of his stories found him attractive. He wore a charcoal turtleneck sweater under a tweed jacket, which was completely coincidentally the author's favourite ensemble. Strapped around his wrist was a Mickey Mouse watch to tell rather than show the reader that the protagonist had some endearingly strange yet harmlessly inoffensive character quirks.<br /> 'What is it?' Spanish astrobiologist Elizabeth Enriques enthused quizzically.<br /> She had dark hair and her gunmetal grey eyes sparkled with a deep intelligence that was never really utilised or evidenced in the context of the story except to solve one or two minor puzzles that access to a google search engine could have solved in 20 seconds because her role in the narrative was actually just to listen to Robert Langdon's verbal diarrhea about symbols and junk.<br /> Rest assured that Elizabeth was ambiguously but extremely hot and was an expert in bikram yoga, which was not at all relevant to the plot of the novel but would lead to at least one uncomfortably sleazy exchange of dialogue between Elizabeth and Robert at the end of the novel in which it would be "implied" that she could finally use those skills for something worthwhile - in the bedroom.<br /> Behind them stood acclaimed philanthropist Anders Grange, a powerfully built 45 year old man with silver hair, who stalked the room like a timberwolf, back straight and proud and on two legs but totally like a wolf at the same time. Grange had been Langdon's best friend since their childhood, despite not having been mentioned or referenced at all in any of the previous three Robert Langdon books.<br /> When Anders spoke, his voice was far away yet disturbingly close. 'I have heard of the AAA. They are very old and powerful,' he reminded. 'The legends say they possessed an ambiguous artefact that granted them power over life and death itself.'<br /> His voice was suddenly as wistful as a blade of grass waving in the sunlight and implied very subtly that he would ultimately turn out to be the sole bad guy responsible for the supposedly global conspiracy.....Robbie Bolandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04849871714554566527noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3379220566717627750.post-18369312617813942722009-09-04T17:08:00.006+10:002009-09-04T21:00:10.540+10:00Chaos Theory<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.visitandlearn.co.uk/Portals/0/topicalfactfiles/solar%20system/Dense%20group%20of%20stars%20being%20born%20-%20located%201,000%20light%20years%20from%20Earth.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 246px; height: 246px;" src="http://www.visitandlearn.co.uk/Portals/0/topicalfactfiles/solar%20system/Dense%20group%20of%20stars%20being%20born%20-%20located%201,000%20light%20years%20from%20Earth.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a>The mirror is dark and still. I look down at my own reflection and see the familiar face staring back at me, pondering, thoughtful. Behind me a thousand suns rage and fight back the unending night, breathing fire and light into the void. But I am so far away and so very, very small. To me, they are pin pricks of light through a heavy blanket.<br /><br />For a while I watch them glimmer and twinkle in the dark mirror. They are beautiful and powerful and ancient beyond imagining. What world's have their light illuminated? What creatures have basked in their heat? How many have gazed up at them and marveled at their majesty?<br /><br />In my hand is a pebble, small, rough and porous. I toss it into the air, watch it spin end over end, hurtling briefly towards those distant stars before it is rudely pulled backwards by gravity's constant hand. It plunges into the cold, still water like a knife, and disappears. But its passing leaves a mark. Ripples on the water that disturb my mirror and make the stars dance wildly in the tenebrous sky.<br /><br />The ripples are unpredictable. The way they make the stars dance even more so. Yet in the chaos, there is a beauty that is as stark as it is unexpected.<br /><br />Writing a novel is very similar. You begin with a plan that is organised and sensible and perfect but then something strange happens. The characters who once fit so neatly into your little plan begin to breathe and grow and sometimes, just sometimes, they whisper to you. They dislike the boxes you try to put them in, or the words you want to put into their mouths.<br /><br />They have the audacity to suggest, even <span style="font-style: italic;">demand</span> changes. So you make that change and it ripples outwards, backwards and forwards across space and time, leading to even more changes. To new places, characters and events your neat plan never imagined. And the really scary thing is, you can't be sure where they're leading you until you're there.<br /><br />So my four precocious orphans are treading a different path now to the one I first planned for them to walk along. I can see the end now, in the distance, but it's as far away as those blazing lights in the darkness. I don't quite know when we'll get there, my traveling companions and I. But I'll let you know when we do.Robbie Bolandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04849871714554566527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3379220566717627750.post-85111260557578076842009-09-02T16:54:00.007+10:002009-09-02T18:04:01.466+10:00Top 10 Changes Disney Will Make At Marvel<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.filmsquish.com/guts/files/images/blog163.JPG"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 288px; height: 203px;" src="http://www.filmsquish.com/guts/files/images/blog163.JPG" alt="" border="0" /></a>The announcement that none of us have been waiting for has arrived: <span style="font-weight: bold;">Disney is buying out Marvel Entertainment for a sweet $4 billion.</span> Both parties seem adamant that this will not lead to changes in Marvel characters, story lines or franchises but seriously, does anybody really believe that? We all know that Walt Disney's cryogenically frozen corpse isn't going to stand for that.<br /><br />Here are the <span style="font-weight: bold;">Top 10 changes Disney is going to make once they sink their puffy white-gloved mouse hands into the House of Ideas</span>:<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://z.about.com/d/comicbooks/1/0/2/I/humantorch2.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 138px; height: 207px;" src="http://z.about.com/d/comicbooks/1/0/2/I/humantorch2.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><span style="font-weight: bold;">10.</span> All homosexual characters are to be instantly killed/written out/undergo sexual orientation modification. The Human Torch will no longer be allowed to <span style="font-style: italic;">"Flame on!"</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">9.</span> All upcoming Marvel movies are to be recast with Zac Efron in the leading role, irrespective of actual age, race or gender of the hero in question.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">8.</span> The Punisher will no longer punish criminals. Instead, he will now punish literacy and numeracy deficiencies in toddlers. Punishments far less likely to involve extreme death and dismemberment.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">7.</span> Stan Lee to be cryogenically frozen and placed next to Walt under the Pirates of the Caribbean theme ride at Disneyland. Whether he likes it or not, motherfucker.<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://th01.deviantart.net/fs39/300W/f/2008/325/a/c/White_Queen_by_anjum.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 140px; height: 211px;" src="http://th01.deviantart.net/fs39/300W/f/2008/325/a/c/White_Queen_by_anjum.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">6.</span> Almost every female X-Men character's appearances will be "creatively reimagined" to resemble actual women rather than anatomically impossible turbo-whores. Comic nerds everywhere expected to cry, threaten to boycott the X-men comics and then not actually do anything about it.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">5.</span> All future Marvel films to include at least three musical routines set in a High School, regardless of whether this is appropriate to the film's storyline or setting.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">4.</span> Spider-Man to get a talking squirrel as a permanent sidekick.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">3.</span> Spider-Man's name to be changed to "Bedbug-Man" because kids hate spiders. (Yet somehow do not find the idea of a gigantic half-human duckman with a speech impediment walking around without pants fucking disturbing)<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">2.</span> The Avengers will now more regularly avenge through the avenging power of musical theatre.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">1.</span> Disney franchises will be re-released as "hip" comic characters with new origin stories in the following style: Mickey Marker was once an ordinary, geeky teenage boy. Bitten by a radioactive mouse, he developed the proportionate speed, strength and cheese-loving senses of a mouse! Having learned that "With lame powers comes no responsibility" he now fights crime and intolerance towards white middle to upper class people everywhere!<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3201/3013166216_167a0db433.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 273px; height: 205px;" src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3201/3013166216_167a0db433.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a>Robbie Bolandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04849871714554566527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3379220566717627750.post-15977737972342136222009-08-30T21:17:00.006+10:002009-08-30T21:57:35.835+10:00Two Angry Robots "Addictions" Podcast<h3 style="font-weight: normal;" class="UIIntentionalStory_Message" ft="{"type":"msg"}"><span style="font-size:85%;">In our latest podcast we take a humorous (promise!) look at "Addictions".<br /></span></h3><h3 style="font-weight: normal;" class="UIIntentionalStory_Message" ft="{"type":"msg"}"><span style="font-size:85%;">We get angry at change room wookies and speedos, discuss the heavy ($23 quadrillion!!) costs of smoking, come clean about our addictions to Chuck Taylors and coffee (amongst other things) and attempt our first telephonic inter<span class="text_exposed_show">vention … with horrible results.</span></span></h3><h3 style="font-weight: normal;" class="UIIntentionalStory_Message" ft="{"type":"msg"}"><span style="font-size:85%;"><span class="text_exposed_show">What would Amy Winehouse do if she was shipwrecked? Whose addiction to Nintendo Wii is killing the podcast dream? What makes me absolutely lose it at my podcasting partner in crime?</span></span></h3><h3 style="font-weight: normal;" class="UIIntentionalStory_Message" ft="{"type":"msg"}"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span class="text_exposed_show"><span style="font-size:85%;">Listen in <a href="http://twoangryrobots.com/?page_id=7">here</a> & find out! <a href="http://www.twoangryrobots.com/">www.twoangryrobots.com</a></span><br /></span></span></h3>Robbie Bolandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04849871714554566527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3379220566717627750.post-30944171354959441252009-08-20T18:31:00.003+10:002009-08-20T18:36:25.755+10:00Two Angry Robots "Superheroes" PodcastMy latest podcast (number seven) takes flight, with a superheroes theme!<br /><br />We get angry about the worst super powers of all time, encourage bus-related vigilantism, laugh at some real-life superheroes (including a flying nun & a trio of glue-wielding she-devils) and discuss the world’s most amazing politician: Vladimir Putin.<br /><br />Who is the mysterious vigilante "The Spear"? Why isn't invisibility all it's cracked up to be? Why is Mr. Fantastic ironically named (okay, that's an easy one)?<br /><br />Head over to the <a href="http://twoangryrobots.com/?page_id=7">Two Angry Robots</a> website and listen in!Robbie Bolandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04849871714554566527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3379220566717627750.post-76531128662601718092009-08-20T17:41:00.006+10:002009-08-20T18:25:39.706+10:00Comic Factoid of the Day<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://toonlab.ya1.ru/uploads/posts/2008-11/1227144626_485959-415863_green_goblin_ultimate_00_super_super.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 210px; height: 245px;" src="http://toonlab.ya1.ru/uploads/posts/2008-11/1227144626_485959-415863_green_goblin_ultimate_00_super_super.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><span class="status-body"><span class="entry-content">Greetings Amazing Spider-Fans! Over the years, Norman Osborn, aka. The Green Goblin, has asserted himself as Spidey's #1 foe.<br /><br />However, Stormin' Norman isn't the only Goblin to have wailed on the webslinger. In total,<span style="font-weight: bold;"> there have been five Green Goblins, one Grey Goblin, one Demogoblin and five Hobgoblins </span><span>(</span><span>and that's all just in standard Marvel continuity)</span><span style="font-weight: bold;">!</span><br /><br /></span></span><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.deviantart.com/download/85738518/Thunderbolts_120__Green_Goblin_by_Summerset.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 231px; height: 296px;" src="http://www.deviantart.com/download/85738518/Thunderbolts_120__Green_Goblin_by_Summerset.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />For a paranoid criminal mastermind, Norman hasn't really done a bang up job with the "security" on those "secret" labs of his.<br /><br />Maybe he should just save everyone the four seconds it obviously takes to break into one of his incredibly secret lairs (now in 472 convenient locations) and just release the shit to the general public in energy drink form.<br /><br />Goblin Juice: The <span style="font-style: italic;">real</span> demon in a bottle.<br /><span style="font-size:78%;">(You'd have to be criminally insane <span style="font-style: italic;">not</span> to drink it.)</span>Robbie Bolandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04849871714554566527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3379220566717627750.post-80037950514204475782009-08-16T16:32:00.003+10:002009-08-16T17:39:03.222+10:00Comic Factoid of the DaySuperman's repertoire of powers have changed a lot in the 71 years since he first appeared in Action Comics #1.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://thinkcontra.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2009/05/superman-flying.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 305px; height: 228px;" src="http://thinkcontra.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2009/05/superman-flying.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />His repertoire of powers once included: t<span class="status-body"><span class="entry-content">he power to change his face using superhuman control of his face muscles, the power of super-ventriloquism and the power of super-hypnosis!</span></span><br /><br />True story. Now, I love comics as much as the next (nerdy) guy but seriously, super-ventriloquism? The Man of Steel is awesome but the Man of Dubious Entertaining Skills is most certainly not. Give me the kryptonite, I'll put Supertool down myself.Robbie Bolandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04849871714554566527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3379220566717627750.post-71948935922376879392009-08-14T20:56:00.003+10:002009-08-14T21:38:15.307+10:00Manslation: Date NightI was speaking to a female friend the other day who was looking forward to a first date with a young man she'd met earlier. She was trying hard not to freak out over what he might be expecting, what she should wear, etc and I had to remind her not to overthink things - men are simple creatures.<br /><br />Ladies, when you go to meet a man on your first date, here is what <span style="font-weight: bold;">you</span> might be thinking:<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">I hope he's nice, if he's nice I hope he likes me, should I have worn the dress instead, I wonder what the food's going to be like, these shoes are hurting me but they look great, he better not be sleazy, did I send that e-mail before I left work, what was that new anti-cancer compound they mentioned in the paper today, </span>and so forth.<br /><br />Because you are complicated creatures, at this point you are probably assuming that he is thinking similar things to you, except maybe the bit about the dress.<br /><br />Hahaha. He isn't. Here is a visual representation of what he's thinking:<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.crazy8opinions.com/wp-content/uploads/2006/03/cleavage.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 238px; height: 178px;" src="http://www.crazy8opinions.com/wp-content/uploads/2006/03/cleavage.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://tiki.oneworld.net/food/food_title.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 225px; height: 172px;" src="http://tiki.oneworld.net/food/food_title.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.fatbackmedia.com/nsfw/wp-content/uploads/2007/02/jennifer_love_hewitt_oscars-2-top.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 142px; height: 193px;" src="http://www.fatbackmedia.com/nsfw/wp-content/uploads/2007/02/jennifer_love_hewitt_oscars-2-top.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://cache.jalopnik.com/cars/assets/resources/2007/09/batmobile_Tumbler.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 183px; height: 108px;" src="http://cache.jalopnik.com/cars/assets/resources/2007/09/batmobile_Tumbler.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.topnews.in/sports/files/rickyponting.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 175px; height: 236px;" src="http://www.topnews.in/sports/files/rickyponting.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.photochimps.com/pp/data/orig/500/Cleavage.JPG"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 275px; height: 183px;" src="http://www.photochimps.com/pp/data/orig/500/Cleavage.JPG" alt="" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />And that's pretty much it. Note I'm not saying that you need to show more cleavage for the date to go well. Relax! <span style="font-weight: bold;">Manslation</span>: If he turns up, he's interested! You don't need to worry what he's thinking about ... because he isn't.Robbie Bolandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04849871714554566527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3379220566717627750.post-23413997983250341992009-08-14T18:25:00.006+10:002009-08-14T19:08:01.746+10:00Legion: Holy Hell!<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://screencrave.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/07/legion-paul-bettany-comiccon-31.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 411px; height: 221px;" src="http://screencrave.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/07/legion-paul-bettany-comiccon-31.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Holy (hehe). Fkn. Shit. This film looks awesome. <span class="status-body"><span class="entry-content">In fact, if "awesome" and "holy shit" had a baby raised by action/horror movies, this is what it would look like. </span></span>If you like films in which angels & demons battle it out for the fate of mankind, of course. Which I do. This is what Angels & Demons SHOULD have been about instead of a massive conspiracy that strangely involved only two people and a bunch of cryptic crossword puzzles. Damn you, Ron Howard!<br /><br /><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cinwHOLafls&eurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.darkhorizons.com%2Ftrailers%2Fembed%2F2807%2F%3F&feature=player_embedded#t=27">Watch</a> and salivate, fellow geeks! Ummm... maybe don't let the kids watch this trailer. Ummm... and any particularly Christian peoples might want to avoid it too. Wheee!<br /><br />Legion stars Paul Bettany, Dennis Quaid, Kate Walsh and a host of Angelic cannon fodder and is set for release on January 10th, 2010. Can't wait!<br /><br />P.S. Hehehe ... this post title is so puntastic it's crazy! Man, I make myself laugh sometimes with my own hilarity. Sigh. Sorry.Robbie Bolandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04849871714554566527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3379220566717627750.post-50684027130449876692009-07-27T22:32:00.010+10:002009-08-10T22:03:42.867+10:0010 Most Evilestest Cobra SoldiersTo celebrate (or perhaps "pretend I didn't see" would be more appropriate) the release of <span style="font-weight: bold;">G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra</span>, I'm following up my list of the best Joes with a complimentary list of their biggest foes - the 10 most evilestest members of Cobra Command. A funny thing happened while I was compiling this list - I realised just how many of these guys have an outfit that would be totally at home in Sydney's Gay & Lesbian Mardi Gras. Which is totally cool. I'm just sayin'.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">10. The Dreadnoks.</span> Yes, it's cheating to put a whole team in at number 10 but I defy you to name them all. The Dreadnoks are Cobra's very own bikie gang. Destructive, sadistic and dangerous, they leave carnage in their wake. Having said that, I bet you can't pick one person from the picture below who doesn't lose it at the idea of doing it with dudes. Apart from Zartan. And the girls. Who I can guarantee you do <span style="font-style: italic;">not</span> do it with dudes.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/4/4f/GroupDreadnoks.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 406px; height: 305px;" src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/4/4f/GroupDreadnoks.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">9.</span> Every evil team needs cannon fodder and the <span style="font-weight: bold;">B.A.T.</span>'s (Battle Android Troopers) are Cobra's. The first Cobra toy I owned was a BAT, which was awesome because they not only looked cool but also came with sweet accessories. If I was ever going to be mercilessly hunted down and killed by a robot from the future, I would want one of these guys to be that kill-o-bot.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.joebattlelines.com/images/reviews/25th/figures/batv1/bat-6.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 386px; height: 269px;" src="http://www.joebattlelines.com/images/reviews/25th/figures/batv1/bat-6.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.violentfix.com/cobra/tx6.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 152px; height: 268px;" src="http://www.violentfix.com/cobra/tx6.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">8 & 7.</span> My friend Tim always really liked the twins <span style="font-weight: bold;">Tomax</span> and <span style="font-weight: bold;">Xamot</span> for his Cobra crew. Possibly he enjoyed the extreme level of organisation they display by ensuring they are always groomed to be the mirror image of one another. Seriously though, you can't tell me that if they were given the opportunity to shoot gay twin porn in Czechoslovakia, they wouldn't leave Cobra faster than you can say "I love golden hotpants".<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">6.</span> <span style="font-weight: bold;">Destro</span> has a metal head. A lot of people might consider this to be a pretty big set back in life, but Destro still holds down a stressful job as an international arms dealer, dates a hot chick (Baroness) and keeps his membership in an evil organisation up to date. That's pretty hardcore as far as I'm concerned. I mean, some people laugh at you for wearing glasses or being fat. Imagine what this poor f&%ker had to go through as a child.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://images3.wikia.nocookie.net/gijoe/images/7/7f/Croc_Master.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 234px; height: 190px;" src="http://images3.wikia.nocookie.net/gijoe/images/7/7f/Croc_Master.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a>5. On the one hand, <span style="font-weight: bold;">Croc Master</span> is badass and mean because you have to respect any guy who trains reptiles and has an alligator for a pet. On the other hand, I don't think a room full of Project Runway contestants could come up with a gayer uniform than this one if they had a month of Sundays to design it. Seriously? What. The. Fuck.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">4. Serpentor</span>: Anyone who can command a team and keep their respect whilst wearing a ridiculous costume and an oversized novelty snake hat has got to be one bad muthaf&%ka. It sends one of two messages: 1) "I'm so badass, I can wear this nasty costume and still kick your ass"; or, 2) "I'm so insane I don't even know what I'm wearing, where's the giant fish train glaarg?!" You just don't mess with that kind of crazy.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">3. Zartan</span>, Master of Disguise, was a damn cool toy. The hood, heavy eye makeup and ability to change his face (he literally came with interchangeable faces) all made Zartan a must in the bad guy line up. You can always depend on Zartan to make it to the end of the battle and take down a few of the Joe's singlehanded. As a bonus, I think he'd be one of the least likely guys on the Cobra team to try and rape you in the showers. Note I said least likely. I'd still keep an eye out.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.hisstank.com/forum/members/firefly-cobra--albums-gi-joe-comic-pics-picture10848-firefly.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 159px; height: 159px;" src="http://www.hisstank.com/forum/members/firefly-cobra--albums-gi-joe-comic-pics-picture10848-firefly.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><span style="font-weight: bold;">2.</span> I love <span style="font-weight: bold;">Firefly</span>. He was always one of my favourites in the backyard Joe Wars of yesteryear. Firefly is Cobra's go-to mysterious ninja master and saboteur extraordinare. Basically that means he loves blowing shit up and ninja kicking people's heads off. And he does it all in ultra-trendy urban camouflage with ski mask, beautifully accessorised with grenades on a spiffy bandolier. Can you ask for more?<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">1. </span><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://media.comicvine.com/uploads/0/40/77640-59166-cobra-commander_super.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 170px; height: 280px;" src="http://media.comicvine.com/uploads/0/40/77640-59166-cobra-commander_super.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><span style="font-weight: bold;">Cobra Commander</span> has a cool outfit (with the hood), which is clearly the main reason you would choose anyone for a team of evildoers. Also, every evil team needs a truly insane meglomaniac as their leader. CC's monologue-ing skills are also a must have. As a side note, I just noticed that his uniform is disturbingly reminiscent of the Ku Klux Klan outfit, which itself conjures thoughts of banjos and secret (but totally manly, I'm sure) bumsex by the campfire. Aaah inbred hicks... gotta love 'em.<br /><br />Special mention: <span style="font-weight: bold;">Baroness</span>, for having one of the most crazy long ass Wikipedia write ups I've ever seen. Seriously, check it out. I guess that's what happens when you let comic nerds write about a "hot" fictional woman. Sweet baby Jesus.Robbie Bolandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04849871714554566527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3379220566717627750.post-59247581047733960072009-07-23T19:38:00.008+10:002009-07-24T10:32:50.068+10:0010 G.I. Joes You Need to Save the WorldIn honour of the new (and very possibly terrible beyond belief) <span style="font-weight: bold;">G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra</span> movie out on August 7th, I'm taking a trip back to my childhood, to the glory days of the 1980's and the height of the battle for the fate of the world between the heroic G.I. Joe's and the nefarious COBRA Command.<br /><br />So many long, long hot summer days were spent with my best mate playing with the <span style="font-weight: bold;">G.I. Joe 3 3/4 inch action figurines</span> in his back yard. He had literally hundreds - a whole garbage bin full in fact. We would spend hours setting up the opposing armies and finding the perfect hiding spots for our favourite Joes before playing it all out, sometimes long into the night, until one side was victorious. Epic.<br /><br />So COBRA has a plan to take over the world, huh? No sweat. Based on my years of experience, here are the Top 10 G.I. Joe's that you need on your team if you want to save the world. Let me know if you agree in the comments section!<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://i282.photobucket.com/albums/kk267/ultra8294/IMG_6103.jpg?t=1248349674"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 116px; height: 156px;" src="http://i282.photobucket.com/albums/kk267/ultra8294/IMG_6103.jpg?t=1248349674" alt="" border="0" /></a><span style="font-weight: bold;">10. Wet-Suit</span> is the toughest and the meanest of Navy SEALS, as well as an underwater demolitions expert. That means he blows shit up. Underwater. Does it get more manly than that? Plus he's a snappy dresser who came with awesome accessories.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">9. Sci-Fi</span> is a Laser Trooper. It's his job to shoot shit in the face from 4 kilometres away with a giant freakin laser gun. Everyone loves a sniper. And laser guns. Pewpew.<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://i18.photobucket.com/albums/b113/seanmaher1/GIJOE_SCARLETT_DECLASSIFIED.jpg?t=1248352799"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 130px; height: 195px;" src="http://i18.photobucket.com/albums/b113/seanmaher1/GIJOE_SCARLETT_DECLASSIFIED.jpg?t=1248352799" alt="" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">8. Frostbite</span> was the first G.I. Joe I ever owned, which was kick ass because he came packaged with the Snow Cat arctic assault vehicle. Nobody likes winter but Frostbite kicks Winter in the nuts and lives in the Arctic. By Choice. Even his name is more hardcore than you could ever be.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">7. Scarlett</span> is the only female Joe in my top ten. A counter intelligence specialist and martial artist, her favoured weapon is the crossbow. A hot red head who can kick your ass five ways 'til Sunday? Snap!<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">6.</span> Every team needs a tech guy and <span style="font-weight: bold;">Dial Tone</span> is mine. This guy is like McGyver and Magnum P.I. rolled into one - he can make anything from a paper clip and a pet rock AND he has a moustache. Classy.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">5. Roadblock</span> comes in at five. If you're ever building a team to save the world, you definitely want someone who can lift heavy ordinance on their own. Roadblock carries a fully loaded M2HB Browning Machine Gun as his personal weapon of choice. It weighs 55 freakin' kilograms and can fire a round over 7km. And you thought a Magnum was a big gun. He's so badass he could make Mr. T his prison bitch.<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://media.comicvine.com/uploads/0/4873/606351-shockwave092_large.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 173px; height: 290px;" src="http://media.comicvine.com/uploads/0/4873/606351-shockwave092_large.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">4.</span> If you want to defeat COBRA, you need a guy who can just get shit done. <span style="font-weight: bold;">Shockwave</span> is a S.W.A.T. specialist, the guy who kicks down doorways and shoots bad guys in the face, making 'Bad Boys'-esque wisecracks as he goes. He can probably even put together IKEA furniture without breaking a sweat.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">3.</span> Every team needs a leader and <span style="font-weight: bold;">Duke</span>'s the man for the job. He's level headed, fights alongside his men, and has a flat top haircut that Dolph<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://media.comicvine.com/uploads/0/229/83453-162787-storm-shadow_large.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 163px; height: 246px;" src="http://media.comicvine.com/uploads/0/229/83453-162787-storm-shadow_large.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a> Lundgren would be proud of.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">2.</span> Everyone knows ninjas are awesome. If you need to stop COBRA from taking over the world, you want as much ninja awesomeness on your team as possible. <span style="font-weight: bold;">Storm Shadow</span> is the team's anti-hero, the one who you're never quite sure which side he's on, but he'll come good in the end. Plus his snow camouflage duds are the latest in ninja chic.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">1. Snake-Eyes</span> is hands down the coolest G.I. Joe around. A mute ninja master with a mysterious past, Snake-Eyes isn't afraid to put aside martial arts and just go for a grenade when the situation requires. Oh, and if all of that doesn't make you want to wet yourself at the meer thought of his awesomeness, he has a wolf for a pet. Fuck you, everyone else in the world. Face it, no matter what you do in life you will <span style="font-style: italic;">never</span> be this cool.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://scrapetv.com/News/News%20Pages/Entertainment/images-3/gi-joe-movie-snake-eyes.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 412px; height: 274px;" src="http://scrapetv.com/News/News%20Pages/Entertainment/images-3/gi-joe-movie-snake-eyes.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a>Robbie Bolandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04849871714554566527noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3379220566717627750.post-87297099903843632942009-07-19T18:35:00.005+10:002009-07-20T16:17:50.491+10:0010 Better Ways Ianto Could Have Died<a href="http://img.listal.com/image/475620/500full-gareth-david--lloyd.jpg"><img style="MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; WIDTH: 253px; FLOAT: right; HEIGHT: 304px; CURSOR: hand" border="0" alt="" src="http://img.listal.com/image/475620/500full-gareth-david--lloyd.jpg" /></a> By now enough of you should have watched <strong>Torchwood: Children of Earth</strong> that I can post this without spoiling too many people's viewing experiences. Was anyone else incredibly disappointed with how they killed off poor Ianto Jones, particularly given the truly heroic deaths Owen and Tosh got last season? I was!<br /><br />Here are ten better ways Ianto could have gone out:<br /><br /><strong>10.</strong> Shredded by molten coffee beans whilst making espresso for the team when a freak clogging of the steam pipe caused the machine to explode.<br /><br /><strong>9.</strong> Threatened to hold his breath until the 456 left Earth and was forced to make good on his promise when they called his bluff.<br /><br /><strong>8.</strong> Strangled to death after tying necktie too tight.<br /><br /><strong>7.</strong> Assassinated by a sentient mutated vanilla boysenberry muffin from the planet Muffimatoria VI after unwittingly serving its brother with the team's morning coffee.<br /><br /><strong>6.</strong> Beaten to death whilst attempted to use Kung Fu on the 456 in the tank, not realising it knew "Mantis style".<br /><br /><strong>5.</strong> Broke his neck trying a strange alien Kama Sutra manoeuvre with Jack.<br /><br /><strong>4.</strong> Shot by Jack out of jealousy after Ianto announced that he was going to defect to the FBI because Mulder and Scully were offering "tag team action".<br /><br /><strong>3.</strong> Choked to death on a hot dog. No, not <em><strong>that</strong></em> kind of hot dog you dirty minded person, you!<br /><br /><strong>2.</strong> Eaten by a rift-mutated Goldfish named Terrence after accidentally blinding himself when he stepped outside Torchwood 3 to get Gwen and Jack's dry cleaning and looked down at his ridiculously shiny shoes, then stumbled over the railing into Cardiff Bay.<br /><br /><strong>1.</strong> Let's be honest - dying in pretty much <em><strong>any</strong></em> other frakking way imaginable that wasn't getting a virus that the 456 produced with no explanation of where it came from or hint that it was even a possibility and crying to death in Jack's arms.Robbie Bolandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04849871714554566527noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3379220566717627750.post-66357391693545776462009-07-14T18:59:00.009+10:002009-07-15T00:47:35.901+10:0010 Reasons Why I Wouldn't Work At Torchwood<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://blogs.thestage.co.uk/tvtoday/2009/06/26/torchwood_headline.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 420px; height: 208px;" src="http://blogs.thestage.co.uk/tvtoday/2009/06/26/torchwood_headline.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />Having just finished watching the at-times stunning <span style="font-weight: bold;">Torchwood: Children of Earth</span> mini-series (despite the goodness, damn you for cutting it from a 13 to a 5 episode season, BBC! Damn you!), I have decided that working at Torchwood 3 with Jack and the (ever shrinking) gang could really suck.<br /><br />Here's 10 reasons why (possible <span style="font-weight: bold;">SPOILERS</span> below):<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">10.</span> Television viewing time would be severely decreased as the team spends a ridiculous amount of time at work.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">9.</span> Risk of workplace being blown up much higher than current job. Could lose favourite mug in explosion.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">8.</span> Tight deadlines based on regular end-of-the-world-type scenarios might lead to increased blood pressure.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">7.</span> Elaborate workplace pranks are less fun when there's no chance of "accidentally" killing your annoying boss.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">6.</span> Constant death and dismemberment of co-workers could really play havoc on workplace birthday cake roster.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">5.</span> Would be forced to endure everyone being in love with the boss. Coffee break conversation likely to be limited and boring (or bitchy and really exciting, not 100% sure).<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">4.</span> Would possibly fall in love with the boss myself. This could be detrimental to my marriage. Curse your rakish good looks and masculine bravado, Captain Jack Harkness!<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">3.</span> Could find Cardiff difficult to navigate without the degree in Alien Languages required to understand Welsh. Additionally, might confuse Welsh citizens with aliens.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">2.</span> Would have to work really hard to pretend that Gwen Cooper isn't more macho than I am. (She is.)<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">1.</span> My strong aversion to death makes me sensitive to the high probability of getting shot, virused, blown up or being disintegrated in a nuclear meltdown to death whilst on the job. Poor workplace safety standards are a major turn-off.Robbie Bolandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04849871714554566527noreply@blogger.com3