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    Friday, 18 December 2009

    Top 10 Reasons it Would Suck to Be An Ewok

    Ewoks have such a raw deal. George Lucas initially planned to make them Wookies. Wookies, for god's sake! How much ass would that have kicked? Heaps!

    Here are 10 other reasons why it would suck to be an Ewok:

    10. Height restrictions suck! Only allowed on the children's rides at Disneyland. Also not allowed to operate most heavy machinery.

    9. Very little designer clothing made for the Ewok market.

    8. People occasionally confuse you for a koala, when you clearly descend from the drop bear family.

    7. Difficult to get the girls - they don't like dating guys/ewoks who are shorter than them.

    6. Even if you do get the girl, she will probably an ewok and, let's be honest, they're not great lookers.

    5. C-3PO would be just about the shittiest god I could possibly imagine.

    4. All that fur makes Summer a real bitch. Don't even get me started on waxing that bikini line.

    3. The language barrier makes it difficult for humans to distinguish between Ewok for "You look nice today" and "Holy fucking shit, watch out for that AT-ST!"

    2. Tendency to be cast as comedy sidekicks in action sequences, even when you absolutely decimate the technically and numerically superior invading force using a couple of logs and some stones.

    1. People find it difficult to take you seriously when your name is Wicket and you don't wear pants.

    Monday, 14 December 2009

    Simile of the Day

    Successful dating is like a really good magic trick. You have to get your audience to believe they're seeing something wonderful, when in fact you're just using sleight of hand and misdirection to keep the horrible truth hidden behind all the smoke and mirrors.

    Friday, 11 December 2009

    The True Meaning of Christmas

    Christmas is fast approaching. Every year it seems to approach that little bit faster, with the speed and stealth of a rocket-propelled ninja panther traveling through the vacuum of space on ice skates. But what is it, really? Do people really think about what they're celebrating in this helterskelter day and age?

    Here are a few suggestions for what the true meaning of Christmas is:

    1) According to my supermarket, Christmas is a special time of eating too much shortbread and buying hilariously overpriced chocolate packages left over from Easter that have been re-branded to have vaguely Christmas-themed packaging. Supermarket Christmas runs from November - January. I think it's a season now.

    2) According to my TV, Christmas is a special time where dreams really can come true, so long as they involve finally getting the parent I've always wanted after approximately 1.5 hours of hijinx involving someone temporarily and comically becoming Santa Claus. It appears that Tim Allen is contractually obliged to be involved.

    3) Christmas is a special time when people remember the birth of Jesus Christ. Or his death. Or whatever, just give me my presents.

    4) Christmas is a special time when people come together to celebrate the "true" gifts they have been given - friends and family. *snigger* I know, right?! These people are traditionally called "hippies" and are under no circumstances to be allowed access to your Christmas gathering. They will smell bad and feed your children communist propaganda and hash brownies.

    5) Christmas is a special time when families gather together at a predetermined battleground to wage no-holds-barred psychological warfare on an epic scale. All parties are required by International Treaty to first participate in a pre-conflict ritual known as "The Stuffing of Faces With Food" in order to even the playing field. Combatants then use "presents" to punish, disappoint, mystify or even (on some rare cases) build a false sense of security in their opponents, to be exploited on a later occasion.

    "But what is the true meaning of Christmas?" I imagine I hear you clamor. I'm afraid that's not for me to say. You must look into your heart and blah blah spiritually uplifting message and so forth.

    All I can tell you is that for me, Christmas is a special time when people come together to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ by decorating a tree as brightly and colourfully as possible in order to lure a magical fat man in a red suit to your house and then trap him there, with the expectation that he will leave "gifts" (i.e. "ransom payments") under the tree in exchange for his personal freedom.

    Merry Christmas, everybody.