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    Tuesday, 31 March 2009

    Me VS Torture Chambers

    In Medieval times, when people were bad they were put in a torture chamber.

    Today, we call it "the gym" and we pay people to get in.

    Go figure.

    Sunday, 22 March 2009


    There's some movie out at the moment based on a self-help book that teaches women how to understand what men are actually saying when they say the things they say. Or perhaps it is about what they say when they don't say things. Which is, I guess, what men don't say when they aren't saying something. Or maybe it's what they do say when they aren't saying things.

    Based on the above, this seems like a fucking confusing book to me. I don't know why any of you ladies bothered to read it in the first place.

    However, be not afraid as there is still hope for you. I am here and I have decided to be the manslator that ladies apparently so desperately need, by manslating some basic things for the prettier half of the species.

    Ladies, before we begin you need to be aware of something: men are fucking stupid. This is not a joke or a witty observation. It is just, sadly, the truth. If you bear in mind this one simple truth and think about everything men do in light of it, you will find that the things we do and say make a lot more sense.

    The second thing you need to understand is that because men are stupid, we are by nature very simple. Whilst our brains can tolerate thinking about a broad range of topics, they can only do so for a limited amount of time before returning to the basics: food, sleep, boobs, leisure activities (sports/video games/beer).

    Now you know, in all honesty, everything you need to know in order to manslate for yourself. Here are a few examples, just to show you how it works:

    1) You: Do you want to go out with me and my friends tonight?
    Him: No baby/honey/shnookywooks, you go out and have fun with the girls! Let your hair down.
    You think: He is being nice and giving you some time to yourself.
    Manslation: That sounds boring! I will instead eat KFC, drink beer and watch footy with my friends.

    2) You: Do I look good in this?
    Him: Yes.
    You think: It's a nice compliment.
    Manslation: 'Yes' is a good option because: a) I avoid getting into trouble; and, b) I possibly increase my chances of having sex with you in the near future.

    3) You: Do you ever watch porn?
    Him: No.
    Come on ladies, this is an easy one!
    You think: He's telling the truth. (Hahahaha)
    Manslation: Yes, I do. I sure do.

    4) You: What are you thinking about?
    Him: Oh, nothing really.
    You think: He's thinking about the things you're thinking about like chores, life goals, that book you finished last week, etc.
    Manslation: Sex sex sex sex sex sex.

    5) You: (in bed) Are you tired?
    Him: (guarded/sleepily) How come?
    You think: He's cute when he's tired.
    Manslation: I am being cautious because if you want to talk, I'm going to sleep but if you want to have sex, I am in. In fact, I've never been so awake in my ENTIRE LIFE.

    So there you have it, the basic principles for understanding men, manslated for your pleasure.

    Ladies of the internet, if you do not yet feel confident enough to manslate for yourself from the above, feel free to post your queries and I will happily manslate for you. Because that's the kind of guy I am.

    Disclaimer: In the event that my lovely wife reads this, obviously I am different to the average male I speak of and therefore, my man words manslate differently to the man words I have manslated above. Additionally, please remember that I do the washing up and take out the garbage so you can't divorce me because otherwise you would have to do these chores yourself.

    Friday, 13 March 2009

    Me VS School Technology

    As a teacher, I am constantly being urged by the "Powers That Be" (or PTBs, thanks Angel) to integrate technology into my lessons on a regular basis. The thinking behind this is sound - we are living in an increasingly technological age and teachers need to prepare students for this to the best of their abilities.

    On the face of it, I have no problems with this - I agree with the general concept and I can even do the following exceptionally technological things:
    1) Send e-mail and attach things to email (there was a half day training session on this, no joke)
    2) Make PowerPoint presentations that use photos and sounds AND videos
    3) Write a blog (bonus points at my school for knowing what that is)
    4) Make/listen to a podcast and/or make/watch a vodcast (more bonus points)

    I also know what Twitter is (ULTRA bonus points!!), have a Facebook account and know where to find myspace... although all that's ever gotten me is a severe epileptic fit from those fucking crazy wallpapers everyone always uses. Seriously people, what the fuck?! (For another blog, perhaps)

    I know, I know. Right now you're thinking, "Holy fucking shit! Is this guy Captain Computer or what?!" Be calm, mere mortal. We cannot all tread amidst such lofty heights. Though your mind may be blown by my amazingness, do your best to cram it back in and carry on reading.

    So anyway, I know about quite a bit of "cutting edge" technology and this week I decided to be uber technological and make a few lessons extra special. Here's what happened:

    1) Could not show students videos relevant to their learning because youtube is blocked, even to teachers.
    2) Could not access Microsoft's free online learning tools because they require a hotmail address. Hotmail is blocked.
    3) Internet explorer crashes every time I try to access sites such as and others
    4) Tried to make a crossword online. Internet explorer crashed after I'd typed in 30 question/answers ... and didn't save any of it.
    5) Half the computers in any given computer room don't work.
    6) Websites requiring Flash player don't run.
    7) Students drafting assignments at home on new versions of MS Office can't open them at school, because school has the 2003 version... I don't have the admin privileges to install software.

    None of this is an exaggeration and all of this happened this week. The truly funny thing is that's not even half of the fun I had with technology this week.

    Upon reflection, it is clear that God was trying to teach me a lesson and I think I've finally figured it out. From now on, it's worksheets all the way, baby.

    Until the photocopier breaks down again.......