The True Meaning of Christmas

Christmas is fast approaching. Every year it seems to approach that little bit faster, with the speed and stealth of a rocket-propelled ninja panther traveling through the vacuum of space on ice skates. But what is it, really? Do people really think about what they're celebrating in this helterskelter day and age?

Here are a few suggestions for what the true meaning of Christmas is:

1) According to my supermarket, Christmas is a special time of eating too much shortbread and buying hilariously overpriced chocolate packages left over from Easter that have been re-branded to have vaguely Christmas-themed packaging. Supermarket Christmas runs from November - January. I think it's a season now.

2) According to my TV, Christmas is a special time where dreams really can come true, so long as they involve finally getting the parent I've always wanted after approximately 1.5 hours of hijinx involving someone temporarily and comically becoming Santa Claus. It appears that Tim Allen is contractually obliged to be involved.

3) Christmas is a special time when people remember the birth of Jesus Christ. Or his death. Or whatever, just give me my presents.

4) Christmas is a special time when people come together to celebrate the "true" gifts they have been given - friends and family. *snigger* I know, right?! These people are traditionally called "hippies" and are under no circumstances to be allowed access to your Christmas gathering. They will smell bad and feed your children communist propaganda and hash brownies.

5) Christmas is a special time when families gather together at a predetermined battleground to wage no-holds-barred psychological warfare on an epic scale. All parties are required by International Treaty to first participate in a pre-conflict ritual known as "The Stuffing of Faces With Food" in order to even the playing field. Combatants then use "presents" to punish, disappoint, mystify or even (on some rare cases) build a false sense of security in their opponents, to be exploited on a later occasion.

"But what is the true meaning of Christmas?" I imagine I hear you clamor. I'm afraid that's not for me to say. You must look into your heart and blah blah spiritually uplifting message and so forth.

All I can tell you is that for me, Christmas is a special time when people come together to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ by decorating a tree as brightly and colourfully as possible in order to lure a magical fat man in a red suit to your house and then trap him there, with the expectation that he will leave "gifts" (i.e. "ransom payments") under the tree in exchange for his personal freedom.

Merry Christmas, everybody.