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    Friday, 29 May 2009

    Me Vs Swine Flu

    I'm sick. I've been sick all week. This makes me angry. When I get angry, I like to have someone to blame. Blaming others makes me feel a bit better.

    These are my usual go-to blaming options when unwell:
    1. My students. They come to school with their ebola and their syphillis and what have you and cough and sniff over everything. Walking in to a classroom in winter is like walking into a horror movie - all you see are leaking noses, open mouths and vacant eyes. (Admittedly the vacant eyes may be a feature common to all students at all times.)
    2. My doctor. I can get angry at my doctor because:
    a) It's always a "virus" and I need to sleep it off. Why did I bother coming to see you again? Why did YOU bother going through six years of medical degree again?
    b) The word 'doctor' implies a certain level of responsibility for a patient. Where were they when I was getting sick in the first place?!
    3. Everyone else. Why? Because I'm sick. Fuck off!

    Note the following are NOT useful blaming options:
    1. Me. When you get sick you have a constitutional and a morally obligatory right to wallow in self-pity. Anyone who tries to whinge about you whinging is impinging on your rights and is, therefore, a fascist. Tell them so. Suggest they frog march into the kitchen and make you some chicken soup.
    2. My wife. This should be obvious. If it is not, I pity you. If it is not and you are married, you are really in some serious trouble, my friend.

    But now, thanks to the media's constant attempts to beat up a story in an effort to give me something else I need to fear, I can now blame a new group of people: Foreigners! Or, at the least, rich bastards who can still afford to go on holidays and boat cruises during these uncertain economic times. It is particularly satisfying to get angry at rich foreign bastards. Not just for the flu but also because "they" "took" "all" of "our" jobs and caused Brad and Jennifer to split up. Bastards.

    Look, here's how it works: Perhaps if I slept more, ate more fruit and veggies and exercised more regularly, I wouldn't have gotten sick... nah, that's not it... it was those damn foreigners!

    Blah, I'm going back to bed.

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