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    Thursday, 23 July 2009

    10 G.I. Joes You Need to Save the World

    In honour of the new (and very possibly terrible beyond belief) G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra movie out on August 7th, I'm taking a trip back to my childhood, to the glory days of the 1980's and the height of the battle for the fate of the world between the heroic G.I. Joe's and the nefarious COBRA Command.

    So many long, long hot summer days were spent with my best mate playing with the G.I. Joe 3 3/4 inch action figurines in his back yard. He had literally hundreds - a whole garbage bin full in fact. We would spend hours setting up the opposing armies and finding the perfect hiding spots for our favourite Joes before playing it all out, sometimes long into the night, until one side was victorious. Epic.

    So COBRA has a plan to take over the world, huh? No sweat. Based on my years of experience, here are the Top 10 G.I. Joe's that you need on your team if you want to save the world. Let me know if you agree in the comments section!

    10. Wet-Suit is the toughest and the meanest of Navy SEALS, as well as an underwater demolitions expert. That means he blows shit up. Underwater. Does it get more manly than that? Plus he's a snappy dresser who came with awesome accessories.

    9. Sci-Fi is a Laser Trooper. It's his job to shoot shit in the face from 4 kilometres away with a giant freakin laser gun. Everyone loves a sniper. And laser guns. Pewpew.

    8. Frostbite was the first G.I. Joe I ever owned, which was kick ass because he came packaged with the Snow Cat arctic assault vehicle. Nobody likes winter but Frostbite kicks Winter in the nuts and lives in the Arctic. By Choice. Even his name is more hardcore than you could ever be.

    7. Scarlett is the only female Joe in my top ten. A counter intelligence specialist and martial artist, her favoured weapon is the crossbow. A hot red head who can kick your ass five ways 'til Sunday? Snap!

    6. Every team needs a tech guy and Dial Tone is mine. This guy is like McGyver and Magnum P.I. rolled into one - he can make anything from a paper clip and a pet rock AND he has a moustache. Classy.

    5. Roadblock comes in at five. If you're ever building a team to save the world, you definitely want someone who can lift heavy ordinance on their own. Roadblock carries a fully loaded M2HB Browning Machine Gun as his personal weapon of choice. It weighs 55 freakin' kilograms and can fire a round over 7km. And you thought a Magnum was a big gun. He's so badass he could make Mr. T his prison bitch.

    4. If you want to defeat COBRA, you need a guy who can just get shit done. Shockwave is a S.W.A.T. specialist, the guy who kicks down doorways and shoots bad guys in the face, making 'Bad Boys'-esque wisecracks as he goes. He can probably even put together IKEA furniture without breaking a sweat.

    3. Every team needs a leader and Duke's the man for the job. He's level headed, fights alongside his men, and has a flat top haircut that Dolph Lundgren would be proud of.

    2. Everyone knows ninjas are awesome. If you need to stop COBRA from taking over the world, you want as much ninja awesomeness on your team as possible. Storm Shadow is the team's anti-hero, the one who you're never quite sure which side he's on, but he'll come good in the end. Plus his snow camouflage duds are the latest in ninja chic.

    1. Snake-Eyes is hands down the coolest G.I. Joe around. A mute ninja master with a mysterious past, Snake-Eyes isn't afraid to put aside martial arts and just go for a grenade when the situation requires. Oh, and if all of that doesn't make you want to wet yourself at the meer thought of his awesomeness, he has a wolf for a pet. Fuck you, everyone else in the world. Face it, no matter what you do in life you will never be this cool.

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