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    Wednesday, 2 September 2009

    Top 10 Changes Disney Will Make At Marvel

    The announcement that none of us have been waiting for has arrived: Disney is buying out Marvel Entertainment for a sweet $4 billion. Both parties seem adamant that this will not lead to changes in Marvel characters, story lines or franchises but seriously, does anybody really believe that? We all know that Walt Disney's cryogenically frozen corpse isn't going to stand for that.

    Here are the Top 10 changes Disney is going to make once they sink their puffy white-gloved mouse hands into the House of Ideas:

    10. All homosexual characters are to be instantly killed/written out/undergo sexual orientation modification. The Human Torch will no longer be allowed to "Flame on!"

    9. All upcoming Marvel movies are to be recast with Zac Efron in the leading role, irrespective of actual age, race or gender of the hero in question.

    8. The Punisher will no longer punish criminals. Instead, he will now punish literacy and numeracy deficiencies in toddlers. Punishments far less likely to involve extreme death and dismemberment.

    7. Stan Lee to be cryogenically frozen and placed next to Walt under the Pirates of the Caribbean theme ride at Disneyland. Whether he likes it or not, motherfucker.

    6. Almost every female X-Men character's appearances will be "creatively reimagined" to resemble actual women rather than anatomically impossible turbo-whores. Comic nerds everywhere expected to cry, threaten to boycott the X-men comics and then not actually do anything about it.

    5. All future Marvel films to include at least three musical routines set in a High School, regardless of whether this is appropriate to the film's storyline or setting.

    4. Spider-Man to get a talking squirrel as a permanent sidekick.

    3. Spider-Man's name to be changed to "Bedbug-Man" because kids hate spiders. (Yet somehow do not find the idea of a gigantic half-human duckman with a speech impediment walking around without pants fucking disturbing)

    2. The Avengers will now more regularly avenge through the avenging power of musical theatre.

    1. Disney franchises will be re-released as "hip" comic characters with new origin stories in the following style: Mickey Marker was once an ordinary, geeky teenage boy. Bitten by a radioactive mouse, he developed the proportionate speed, strength and cheese-loving senses of a mouse! Having learned that "With lame powers comes no responsibility" he now fights crime and intolerance towards white middle to upper class people everywhere!

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