Renovator's Dream (Fuck That)

I haven't blogged for quite a while. I almost feel like I should apologise but then I'm not sure who I'd be apologising to as I don't think anyone reads this but myself.

The reason for my ... unblogging...ness ... is that my wife and I have been renovating our house. Well, when I say "we", I really mean "some builders have been renovating our house whilst we've been living elsewhere". The place we were staying was nice and our housemate was great but staying away from home for an extended period of time gets old pretty fast, particularly when you're not at an idyllic holiday destination AND (queue dramatic music) ... the place has no internet!! What the fuck?! Does that even happen at people's houses anymore? We're not in the Democratic Republic of Congo here.

So anyway. No internet and then the renovations blow out from six weeks to seven, then to eight and suddenly it's almost been nine weeks before you move back in. Let's not even talk about the money. Dear God, the money.

Here's a simile for you: Renovating is like getting all of the money you have, pushing it into a giant pile in the middle of a room and setting it on fire as you laugh like a crazy person and dance around it.

At the end of it all, the house does look pretty damn good but fucking hell it was a painful process. There's almost no way I can see myself doing it again. Ever. I laugh at people who advertise their place for sale as a "Renovator's Dream" or even worse, "Renovator's Delight". Hahaha. See, I laugh at you, you renovating people with your dreams of delightfully renovating things. Laugh, I tell you! What a lie.

I now feel capable of dispensing advice on the subject of renovating for those who care.

1. Don't do it.
2. Seriously, I see you thinking, "It can't be that bad, can it?" Yep, it sure can be. Don't do it.
3. Fine, don't take my word for it. Do it anyway but be prepared for the following:
• Don't expect it to take as long as the builder says it will. It will take at least two to three weeks longer, if you're lucky.
• Don't expect it to cost as much as the builder says it will. Surprising problems will crop up. Your builder will have brainwaves for nice little additional touches that will all cost a very reasonable sum of money. Not to mention all the other people who get involved in the job who want their piece. Expect to pay a lot more.
• Don't expect to get everything you want exactly the way you want it. Builders take shortcuts and they have a different idea of "quality work" to you.

I have a dream, my friends... to never, ever think about renovating another house again. Please slap me if I even mention the idea of thinking about it.