I Dream of Zombie(s)

At least once a week, I dream about zombies. The setting is often different, as are the cast of characters in my dreams (including friends, family and randoms). The constant is that I'm usually working my ass off to fend off a ravening horde of shambling corpses who are all intent on eating my brain and feasting off my free range intestines.

I've thought a lot about where these nightmares might come from. Obviously, the fact that I watch a fair few horror films doesn't help, nor does the fact I have a love/fear thing about zombies. I hate the idea of them - a painfully slow yet inescapable mass of dead people with an insatiable appetite for their ex-friends and loved ones. Of course what this means is that I like to watch movies with them even more because it adds to the scare factor.

Yet somehow, these reasons weren't good enough - they don't explain the frequency or longevity of these dreams. So I decided to do the only sensible thing possible - consult google and other assorted dream diary websites (preferably the ones that make no mention of any particular expertise in the field of dream interpretation or psychology) for the answers.

Here's what I found out: Nobody has any fucking clue what dreaming about zombies means.

I hear you gasp. "No! The internet? Be unhelpful? That's impossible!" Alas, it's true. I wanted to hitch a ride on the information superhighway and instead I got run over by a truck that stole my underpants.

For your viewing pleasure, here are some of the suggestions for reasons for zombie dreams. They include (but are not limited to):

• Attacking a zombie can mean that you are beating yourself up for your nasty habits, e.g. drinking, smoking, etc (I don't drink or smoke);
• It can mean that you are testing your mental and physical capabilities;
• It can indicate that you are feeling overwhelmingly helpless, hopeless (and very possibly slightly depressed);
• Zombie dreams tell us that we are afraid of not being in control; and finally, my personal favourite,
• Dreaming about zombies means that you have harmed people in a previous life and they are now out for revenge. Apparently, the only way to avoid said revenge is to "shine your light" onto them (possibly a metaphor for shining a torch into the eyes of the revengeful bastards' eyes until they are disoriented enough for you to kick them in their zombie junk and then run away very fast) and admit that you are desperate to help them.
  

I have to be honest and say that I'm not desperate to help anyone who turns into a zombie. At the point you start trying to eat my brains, or you succeed in eating somebody else's brains, or you don't notice if I cut off your arm, you are pretty much beyond any help I feel capable of providing.

All of my friends and loved ones have already been informed that in the event of a zombie apocalypse and them becoming zombified, I will be the first one to blow their heads off with extreme prejudice.

So anyway, the dream diaries and pop psychologists suck. I guess that means I'm on my own with the zombies. Ah well, at least I'll be mentally prepared for the zombie apocalypse when it comes.


PS - It *IS* coming. Don't say I didn't warn you.

If I Ruled the World...

The following changes would occur:

• 4 day working week, 3 day weekends for all! (because hey, I'm a benevolent dictator);
  
• Day light savings will now be all year round (I just like it is all);
• Chocolate would improve your fitness and tighten your abs;
• Doctor Who seasons will consist of 40 episodes per year. David Tennant to be cloned if necessary (NB: Cloning technology to be perfected asap);
  
• The scientists will give me godlike super powers, which I shall use to rule you all... benevolently;
• World Leader (me) to be guarded by crack team of ninja pirate assassins; and,
  
• Existence of aliens to be revealed to the world as a universal truth. The world's not flat and we're not alone, people!
  

These items to be banned:

• Calories in food. There will be no such thing as "bad food";
• Zombies outside of movies (I like my brains in my head, thanks very much);
  
• Women wearing shapeless baggy dresses with large belts and black tights. Sorry ladies, it's just not fashionable at all;
• The wearing of Ugg boots as shoes in public, and/or the wearing of tights as acceptable out-of-home-or-gym pants. No. Just... no. You don't look cool. Wearing either of these things makes you look like an absolute tasteless fuckwit;
• Almost all Reality TV. The brain melting must stop; and,
  
• Petrol-driven cars. We all know the electric and water powered cars work and you bought the patents you car company BASTARDS! Stop killing our planet or I send my crack team of ninja pirate assassins to destroy you all.

Obviously I would also cure the sick, end poverty, make hot chicks go out with geeks, bring back Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Serenity to TV and blah blah blah do all of the other good stuff that Ghandi was into... only probably better.

One day my loyal minions, one day...

Miley Cyrus + Daniel Radcliffe = $$

I just read an article on the Sydney Morning Herald website detailing how much Miley and Danny made in the year just past.

Miley made $58.8 million from her concert performances earlier this year.
Daniel has allegedly clocked in a cool $54.5 million for starring in the last two Harry Potter films.

Now, here's my question:

WHAT THE FUCK?!

How is the average person even supposed to dream of making that much money? If you're old enough to read this and haven't earnt it already, I'm sorry to say that the ship has probably sailed for you personally, my friend. Forget about being a multi-millionaire entertainment star in your own right.

Fear not, I have figured out the solution for the likes of us. Here's how it's done:
When I have children, I'm so going to force them into the entertainment industry and work them to the bone until they make me ridiculously large amounts of money. They can divorce me at 18 but by then I'll be rich! RICH I TELLS YA! AhahahAHAHAHA!!

Man, I wish I owned that Radcliffe kid...

Life is Short

Which means:

1. You can tease it mercilessly until it develops a complex.
2. It won't get to date tall women.
3. You can hold it at arm's length while you kick it.
4. It won't get to go on any of the really cool rides at amusement parks.
5. You can do fun stuff like look over it's head and pretend not to see it standing there, trying to get your attention.

Take that, life!

What's the moral to the story? Don't wait around for tomorrow: Punch life in the face today.


(Don't be scared, it has short little stumpy legs -- you can outrun it)

Who Watches the Watchmen?

Me baby, me. At least, that's if I have anything to say about it.

Watchmen was a limited series comic written by Alan Moore in 1986-7. It brought about a massive cultural shift in that it pushed the graphic novel format into the mainstream. To date, it is the only graphic novel to ever win a Hugo Award and is also the only graphic novel to have made it onto Time Magazine's list of the "One hundred best English novels from 1923 to the present" in 2005.

I'm not going to cover the story details except to say that it is set in a dystopian alternate reality that is perilously close to nuclear warfare and follows a group of superheroes trying to discover who murdered one of the group. No way I'm saying more than that; I'm not spoiling it for you.

Alan Moore is notoriously guarded about his projects being turned into movies. It seems that even when the adaptation is regarded as being quite a good one (V for Vendetta), Moore has done his best to distance himself from it. In fact, he refuses to have his name attached to any of his stories that have been adapted to film. In fact, he's not only had his name removed from Watchmen, he's also negotiated to have ALL of his royalties from the film go to Dave Gibbons (the artist of the original limited series) AND has refused to receive any updates on the project whatsoever. Damn!

Well, sorry Mr. Cranky Pants Moore, but this is a film that had to be made and I, for one, am very pleased about it! After many, MANY years in limbo, the project finally got under way. It's being directed by Zack Snyder (of 300 fame), from Alex Tse's adaptation of David Hayter's screenplay.

The trailer was released today and the film looks absolutely, gob-smackingly, jaw-droppingly amazing. Yep, I'm not going to lie -- a little bit of pee came out. Sorry but there it is.

Check out the website for the brand spankin' new trailer and (stunning) character designs: http://watchmenmovie.warnerbros.com/

I'll definitely be watching Watchmen. It's just a shame that it's so damn far away.

Review: The Dark Knight

Wow. Just... wow. The Dark Knight, Christopher Nolan's sequel to the 2005 film Batman Begins, blew my cotton socks off. In general, sequels tend to fail to match the quality of the original but Dark Knight takes the original, gives it an atomic wedgie and steals its lunch money.

Batman's first year of crime fighting in Gotham City has done wonders: The criminals are too scared to venture out at night, police and lawyer-types are actually beginning to enforce the law and Gotham's citizens are once again living in the light. In fact, things are going so well that Bruce Wayne (Christian Bale) is actually thinking about hanging up the bat ears because Gotham's new District Attorney and resident white knight, Harvey Dent (Aaron Eckhart) is doing what Batman can't -- take down scores of villains at a time, in the daylight.

Unfortunately for Batman and Gotham City, the Joker (Heath Ledger) has other plans. He believes the city deserves, "a better class of criminal" and that's his specialty. The Joker is anarchy incarnate and that's what he intends to visit on Gotham City. Only Batman can stop him but he might have to break his "one rule" (He never kills) in order to do it. Of course, this is the delicious irony of the Joker's plan - it's a win/win outcome because either Gotham will fall into chaos, or its greatest hero, Batman, will break the rule and become the very thing he despises.

Christopher and Jonathan Nolan have done an amazing job with the screenplay, crafting an intricate tale that explores the impact of Batman's existence in a real world setting. That's what makes this movie so excellent: rather than going for big comic book action and lots of special effects, The Dark Knight constantly grounds its characters in reality (apart, it must be said, from some uber Sonic technology used late in the film).

Nolan's direction is also outstanding. This film has many more day time scenes than the last one, yet the overall tone is still dark and ominous. Although the film is long at 152 minutes, it still feels exceptionally well-paced, with virtually every scene essential to the plot. The action sequences are of a much higher standard than in the prequel, actually allowing audiences to see Batman throw down with scores of bad guys (though sadly, he's a bit less martial arty in this film). There are also some great Batmobile and Batpod (i.e. Batcycle) sequences. The sequence involving Batman and the Joker's pursuit of a police convoy escorting some very special cargo is particularly gripping.

Nolan raises some deep and important questions in the film: Can vigilantism ever be justified? How far is it acceptable to go in order to stop "evil" of any kind? And finally, what is the true measure of a hero? Is a hero what a city, a country or the world wants, or what it needs?

The Dark Knight's characters are rich, interesting and thoroughly engaging. Christian Bale is again excellent as Bruce Wayne/Batman, portraying the dual character believably and intensely, but he does suffer slightly from lack of screen time. My one complaint with the movie was that I would have enjoyed seeing more of both the billionaire playboy and the Batman. Aaron Eckhart is very good but not incredible as Harvey Dent. He plays the go-getting and passionate DA very well but falls just short of the intensity required of his character in the film's final act. At last we come to Heath Ledger's turn as The Joker. Two words: Fucking Amazing. If acting success is judged by how much an actor transforms into a new character, shedding their own skin and becoming the character, then Heath succeeds admirably. If he were to receive a posthumous Oscar for his performance, it would be well-deserved.

The supporting cast are all superb, given the amount of screen time they have. Returning from the previous film, Michael Caine, Morgan Freeman and Gary Oldman add credibility and weight to the film. Each plays their character in a very understated, professional manner that will leave you remembering key scenes involving each of them. The stunning Maggie Gyllenhaal brings warmth, grace and pathos to her role as Rachel Dawes. Her performance in a pivotal scene of the film involving a two-way radio conversation is particularly moving.

I feel that I'm not doing this film enough justice in writing a review having only seen it once. It's the first movie in quite a while that I've walked away from thinking, 'Man, I don't know where to start.' I'm definitely going to have to see it again... possibly a few times. I'm going to agree with some of the other reviews I've read and say that this is the best film I've seen this year.

What happens when an immovable object meets an unstoppable force? Go and see The Dark Knight and find out. You won't be disappointed.

Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog

I love Joss Whedon for a multitude of reasons. He created Buffy. I loved Buffy (the character and the TV series). He had a great run as the scribe for Marvel Comics' 'Astonishing X-Men'. In addition, he has a mighty forehead. Well, you're not alone there, Joss and you know what I say - "Mighty forehead, mighty brain."

Yes, that's right, all of you people with a full and luxurious head of hair, you heard me. It only shows how dumb you all are! My brain is so massive that it needed to push the hair out of my forehead to provide me with the extra cooling and heating required to safely power such an awe-inspiring marvel! AhahahAhaHaHAHAHAhaHaHA!

*ahem* So anyway, Joss Whedon. I love his writing style and have always found the ideas he plays with to be really interesting and well thought out. That's why I'm very much looking forward to his new series, 'Dollhouse' (Well, the fact that it stars the delectable Eliza Dushku doesn't hurt either), which premieres in January 2009.

Unfortunately, that's a very long time to wait for Whedon-written watching material. Fortunately, we will soon have our Whedon appetite whetted by an interesting little online project called 'Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog'.

I really don't know too much about the storyline at present, except that it's a comedic musical starring Neil Patrick Harris and Nathan Fillion, about a mad scientist (Harris) attempting to finally get the upper hand on his adversary (Fillion). Sounds fun!

What makes this production truly unique is that it will be available for a first viewing online at no cost to the viewer! The three parts will go up on the website on Tuesday July 15th, Thursday July 17th and Saturday July 19th respectively. If you happen to miss them, don't fret as there are plans for them all to go up together later on, as well as an eventual DVD release.

Here's the website in question:
http://www.drhorrible.com/index.html

Having seen the musical episode of Buffy, 'Once More With Feeling' and having read/watched a lot of his writing, I think this is going to be great fun. I'm excited to see something truly... Horrible!

King Leer

Well played, sir. Well played. Kudos to you, Big Brother. Whilst the majority of your recent publicity stunts ("twists", "surprise" evictions, "surprise" invaders, "surprise" prize money) have done nothing to tempt me (in fact, if anything, they've made me want to watch even less), your latest ploy had me watching despite myself.

I've tried very hard not to be a Big Brother watcher this season but I have to ashamedly admit that I was hooked in by the recent Pamela Anderson visit to the house.

Why did I inflict this horror upon myself? It wasn't really to do with Pamela Anderson herself per se, although 14 years ago I thought she was about the hottest thing on the planet, but rather, how I thought the boys in the house would react to her.

In general, I feel a bit sorry for us men. Most of us see any cleavage whatsoever and immediately lose track of what we're doing and why we're doing it. We gawk, open-mouthed as our brain pops out for a quick beer. Don't get me wrong - it's definitely not something I condone but it IS something I definitely have to laugh at.

It's even more humorous when you see a guy desperately trying not to look at something he desperately wants to look at. The amount of strain the hapless male is under as he tries to do two totally opposite things at the same time makes it look like there's two sources of gravity at work on his eyes. It's even funnier when the guy in question thinks he's being really subtle about it.

Having watched the show's opening night (another admission), I had a fairly strong suspicion that the majority of the boys in the house were massive perverts and I thought Pammy might be the true test of just how dumb boys can be around blonde hair and/or big boobs.

As it turned out, watching Pam's entrance into the house proved to be as hilarious as I had suspected it might be - pretty much all of the boys falling over themselves trying with all of their might not to look at Ms. Anderson's impressive cleavage, whilst simultaneously being compelled against their will to do so. So who was the worst? Cherry gets my vote for 'King Leer' due to his general creepiness and his sleazy attitude towards all of the girls, not just Pam.

I can't say it was Shakespeare, but for the first time this year, a few minutes of Big Brother actually managed to entertain me. Who knows - maybe the bawdy bard himself might have been lost for words in Pam's presence? Somehow, I doubt it.

'The Dark Knight' or 'Why I'm Going to Feel Sorry For Bec Next Thursday Night'

Next Thursday sees the release of Christopher Nolan's 'The Dark Knight', possibly my most anticipated movie of the year, which is saying something in a year that has already seen a new Indiana Jones movie (Damn good, bad work with the monkeys though, Spielbergo & Co), 'Iron Man' (awesome) and 'The Incredible Hulk' (mean and green, the way I like it), amongst numerous other films.

By all accounts the movie is amazing in all departments, easily exceeding the original. Indeed, Kevin Smith has already touted it as being as good a sequel as 'Godfather II' was to its prequel on his blog (http://www.myspace.com/therealkevinsmith) and one of my favourite reviewers, Garth Franklin over at Dark Horizons (http://www.darkhorizons.com/reviews/darkknight.php) has gone apeshit mental, suffered a brain explosion and suggested that it's the best movie of the year so far, or possibly of the year full stop.

In short, it appears that this movie has been created to rock my fucking socks off. Although I try not to overly hype movies before I see them these days, for fear of being let down, I am finding it very difficult not to get psychotically worked up about 'The Dark Knight'.

Why is this leading me to feel sorry for my beautiful wife? Well, several reasons:

1. She often sits patiently through my explanations of why this episode of 'Doctor Who' was cool, how well-written 'Battlestar Galactica' is and what's happening in this month's issue of 'Amazing Spider-Man'. She does all this despite having no personal interest whatsoever in these subjects.
   
2. She's coming to the movie next Thursday with a bunch of geeks who are realistically going to be behaving like giddy schoolgirls before, after and during the movie. Not a cool move for anyone with a modicum of self-respect, which she has.
3. She has to sit next to me during the movie and try her best to block out my continual little squeals of delight or, better still, try to pretend like she doesn't know me.
4. I'll probably hold her hand during the movie and, I'm not going to lie, I tend to get pretty sweaty hands when I'm watching a movie I'm engrossed in. Even worse, I sometimes squeeze too tightly when I'm excited.

So to my lovely, immensely patient and very understanding wife, I apologise profusely in advance for the wet and broken hand that you're more than likely going to have next Thursday night. Batman made me do it!

Facebook "Friend" Sluts

www.dictionary.com defines "Popularity" as "The quality or state of being popular, especially the state of being widely admired, accepted, or sought after."

In times gone by, the poor folk who came before us probably found it difficult to judge how popular they truly were. They would have had to rely on old fashioned things such as seeing how many people actually came to their birthday party/night out, etc, or how often they received invitations to such social events from others.

Thank god those "Dark Ages" are behind us. Now we don't need to wonder about such things as the marvels of modern technology have given us the means to truly, empirically determine how widely admired we are: enter the Facebook Friends List.

When I was younger, even as little as ten years ago, I judged how many friends I had by the number of people I regularly associated with and how much I felt we mutually enjoyed each other's company. Now, the Facebook phenomenon has shown me how truly paltry my understanding of the terms "friendship" and "popularity" was.

Apparently, in this wondrous new age of ours, somebody can be your Facebook friend if they've met you once at a party or a nightclub for two minutes. Once this person has "befriended" you, they don't ever need to communicate with you in any way, shape or form - it's enough to know that the two of you are "friends".

Here I was thinking that you actually needed to get to know someone AND that you needed to want to know more about them, or at least wanted to spend more time in their immediate company to be their friend! How sadly wrong I was.

Facebook has told me that I am not as popular as my sister. In fact, I'm less than 1/3 as popular as she is (I must say this is actually the truth, she is annoyingly well-loved). Yet one of our mutual friends has over 1200 Facebook "friends" - easily double my sister's number.

My self image has been shattered. My thought that perhaps I was a reasonably popular person was clearly a delusion. I have become the mad cow I once feared eating. People must have been LOL'ing at me for so long now; LOL'ing at the unpopular loser.

I have to somehow regain my popularity and thereby, my self-esteem. What's a mad cow to do? Well, as someone much smarter than myself once said, "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em." In the past, I had thought only to befriend people on Facebook that I felt truly close to but I can see now how silly that was of me.

I have to adapt to meet the needs of this popularity yardstick. From this point forward, I vow to become a Facebook Friend Slut. If I've spoken to you for long enough to know your name, consider me your friend. If I worked with you 12 years ago for a week when I did work experience, I shall poke you. If you are a foreign exchange student who went to my school in kindergarten for three days, we will rekindle our friendship. Finally, to those of you who I've heard about in passing from friends and family, I offer you my e-love.

The only downside of all this is that I'll probably be too busy tracking down and befriending people to see my friends in real life. Ah well, it's a small price to pay for popularity.