10 Most Evilestest Cobra Soldiers

To celebrate (or perhaps "pretend I didn't see" would be more appropriate) the release of G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, I'm following up my list of the best Joes with a complimentary list of their biggest foes - the 10 most evilestest members of Cobra Command. A funny thing happened while I was compiling this list - I realised just how many of these guys have an outfit that would be totally at home in Sydney's Gay & Lesbian Mardi Gras. Which is totally cool. I'm just sayin'.

10. The Dreadnoks. Yes, it's cheating to put a whole team in at number 10 but I defy you to name them all. The Dreadnoks are Cobra's very own bikie gang. Destructive, sadistic and dangerous, they leave carnage in their wake. Having said that, I bet you can't pick one person from the picture below who doesn't lose it at the idea of doing it with dudes. Apart from Zartan. And the girls. Who I can guarantee you do not do it with dudes.


9. Every evil team needs cannon fodder and the B.A.T.'s (Battle Android Troopers) are Cobra's. The first Cobra toy I owned was a BAT, which was awesome because they not only looked cool but also came with sweet accessories. If I was ever going to be mercilessly hunted down and killed by a robot from the future, I would want one of these guys to be that kill-o-bot.


8 & 7. My friend Tim always really liked the twins Tomax and Xamot for his Cobra crew. Possibly he enjoyed the extreme level of organisation they display by ensuring they are always groomed to be the mirror image of one another. Seriously though, you can't tell me that if they were given the opportunity to shoot gay twin porn in Czechoslovakia, they wouldn't leave Cobra faster than you can say "I love golden hotpants".

6. Destro has a metal head. A lot of people might consider this to be a pretty big set back in life, but Destro still holds down a stressful job as an international arms dealer, dates a hot chick (Baroness) and keeps his membership in an evil organisation up to date. That's pretty hardcore as far as I'm concerned. I mean, some people laugh at you for wearing glasses or being fat. Imagine what this poor f&%ker had to go through as a child.

5. On the one hand, Croc Master is badass and mean because you have to respect any guy who trains reptiles and has an alligator for a pet. On the other hand, I don't think a room full of Project Runway contestants could come up with a gayer uniform than this one if they had a month of Sundays to design it. Seriously? What. The. Fuck.

4. Serpentor: Anyone who can command a team and keep their respect whilst wearing a ridiculous costume and an oversized novelty snake hat has got to be one bad muthaf&%ka. It sends one of two messages: 1) "I'm so badass, I can wear this nasty costume and still kick your ass"; or, 2) "I'm so insane I don't even know what I'm wearing, where's the giant fish train glaarg?!" You just don't mess with that kind of crazy.

3. Zartan, Master of Disguise, was a damn cool toy. The hood, heavy eye makeup and ability to change his face (he literally came with interchangeable faces) all made Zartan a must in the bad guy line up. You can always depend on Zartan to make it to the end of the battle and take down a few of the Joe's singlehanded. As a bonus, I think he'd be one of the least likely guys on the Cobra team to try and rape you in the showers. Note I said least likely. I'd still keep an eye out.

2. I love Firefly. He was always one of my favourites in the backyard Joe Wars of yesteryear. Firefly is Cobra's go-to mysterious ninja master and saboteur extraordinare. Basically that means he loves blowing shit up and ninja kicking people's heads off. And he does it all in ultra-trendy urban camouflage with ski mask, beautifully accessorised with grenades on a spiffy bandolier. Can you ask for more?

1. Cobra Commander has a cool outfit (with the hood), which is clearly the main reason you would choose anyone for a team of evildoers. Also, every evil team needs a truly insane meglomaniac as their leader. CC's monologue-ing skills are also a must have. As a side note, I just noticed that his uniform is disturbingly reminiscent of the Ku Klux Klan outfit, which itself conjures thoughts of banjos and secret (but totally manly, I'm sure) bumsex by the campfire. Aaah inbred hicks... gotta love 'em.

Special mention: Baroness, for having one of the most crazy long ass Wikipedia write ups I've ever seen. Seriously, check it out. I guess that's what happens when you let comic nerds write about a "hot" fictional woman. Sweet baby Jesus.

10 G.I. Joes You Need to Save the World

In honour of the new (and very possibly terrible beyond belief) G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra movie out on August 7th, I'm taking a trip back to my childhood, to the glory days of the 1980's and the height of the battle for the fate of the world between the heroic G.I. Joe's and the nefarious COBRA Command.

So many long, long hot summer days were spent with my best mate playing with the G.I. Joe 3 3/4 inch action figurines in his back yard. He had literally hundreds - a whole garbage bin full in fact. We would spend hours setting up the opposing armies and finding the perfect hiding spots for our favourite Joes before playing it all out, sometimes long into the night, until one side was victorious. Epic.

So COBRA has a plan to take over the world, huh? No sweat. Based on my years of experience, here are the Top 10 G.I. Joe's that you need on your team if you want to save the world. Let me know if you agree in the comments section!

10. Wet-Suit is the toughest and the meanest of Navy SEALS, as well as an underwater demolitions expert. That means he blows shit up. Underwater. Does it get more manly than that? Plus he's a snappy dresser who came with awesome accessories.

9. Sci-Fi is a Laser Trooper. It's his job to shoot shit in the face from 4 kilometres away with a giant freakin laser gun. Everyone loves a sniper. And laser guns. Pewpew.

8. Frostbite was the first G.I. Joe I ever owned, which was kick ass because he came packaged with the Snow Cat arctic assault vehicle. Nobody likes winter but Frostbite kicks Winter in the nuts and lives in the Arctic. By Choice. Even his name is more hardcore than you could ever be.

7. Scarlett is the only female Joe in my top ten. A counter intelligence specialist and martial artist, her favoured weapon is the crossbow. A hot red head who can kick your ass five ways 'til Sunday? Snap!

6. Every team needs a tech guy and Dial Tone is mine. This guy is like McGyver and Magnum P.I. rolled into one - he can make anything from a paper clip and a pet rock AND he has a moustache. Classy.

5. Roadblock comes in at five. If you're ever building a team to save the world, you definitely want someone who can lift heavy ordinance on their own. Roadblock carries a fully loaded M2HB Browning Machine Gun as his personal weapon of choice. It weighs 55 freakin' kilograms and can fire a round over 7km. And you thought a Magnum was a big gun. He's so badass he could make Mr. T his prison bitch.

4. If you want to defeat COBRA, you need a guy who can just get shit done. Shockwave is a S.W.A.T. specialist, the guy who kicks down doorways and shoots bad guys in the face, making 'Bad Boys'-esque wisecracks as he goes. He can probably even put together IKEA furniture without breaking a sweat.

3. Every team needs a leader and Duke's the man for the job. He's level headed, fights alongside his men, and has a flat top haircut that Dolph Lundgren would be proud of.

2. Everyone knows ninjas are awesome. If you need to stop COBRA from taking over the world, you want as much ninja awesomeness on your team as possible. Storm Shadow is the team's anti-hero, the one who you're never quite sure which side he's on, but he'll come good in the end. Plus his snow camouflage duds are the latest in ninja chic.

1. Snake-Eyes is hands down the coolest G.I. Joe around. A mute ninja master with a mysterious past, Snake-Eyes isn't afraid to put aside martial arts and just go for a grenade when the situation requires. Oh, and if all of that doesn't make you want to wet yourself at the meer thought of his awesomeness, he has a wolf for a pet. Fuck you, everyone else in the world. Face it, no matter what you do in life you will never be this cool.