Top 10 Changes Disney Will Make At Marvel

The announcement that none of us have been waiting for has arrived: Disney is buying out Marvel Entertainment for a sweet $4 billion. Both parties seem adamant that this will not lead to changes in Marvel characters, story lines or franchises but seriously, does anybody really believe that? We all know that Walt Disney's cryogenically frozen corpse isn't going to stand for that.

Here are the Top 10 changes Disney is going to make once they sink their puffy white-gloved mouse hands into the House of Ideas:

10. All homosexual characters are to be instantly killed/written out/undergo sexual orientation modification. The Human Torch will no longer be allowed to "Flame on!"

9. All upcoming Marvel movies are to be recast with Zac Efron in the leading role, irrespective of actual age, race or gender of the hero in question.

8. The Punisher will no longer punish criminals. Instead, he will now punish literacy and numeracy deficiencies in toddlers. Punishments far less likely to involve extreme death and dismemberment.

7. Stan Lee to be cryogenically frozen and placed next to Walt under the Pirates of the Caribbean theme ride at Disneyland. Whether he likes it or not, motherfucker.

6. Almost every female X-Men character's appearances will be "creatively reimagined" to resemble actual women rather than anatomically impossible turbo-whores. Comic nerds everywhere expected to cry, threaten to boycott the X-men comics and then not actually do anything about it.

5. All future Marvel films to include at least three musical routines set in a High School, regardless of whether this is appropriate to the film's storyline or setting.

4. Spider-Man to get a talking squirrel as a permanent sidekick.

3. Spider-Man's name to be changed to "Bedbug-Man" because kids hate spiders. (Yet somehow do not find the idea of a gigantic half-human duckman with a speech impediment walking around without pants fucking disturbing)

2. The Avengers will now more regularly avenge through the avenging power of musical theatre.

1. Disney franchises will be re-released as "hip" comic characters with new origin stories in the following style: Mickey Marker was once an ordinary, geeky teenage boy. Bitten by a radioactive mouse, he developed the proportionate speed, strength and cheese-loving senses of a mouse! Having learned that "With lame powers comes no responsibility" he now fights crime and intolerance towards white middle to upper class people everywhere!

Comic Factoid of the Day

Greetings Amazing Spider-Fans! Over the years, Norman Osborn, aka. The Green Goblin, has asserted himself as Spidey's #1 foe.

However, Stormin' Norman isn't the only Goblin to have wailed on the webslinger. In total, there have been five Green Goblins, one Grey Goblin, one Demogoblin and five Hobgoblins (and that's all just in standard Marvel continuity)!


For a paranoid criminal mastermind, Norman hasn't really done a bang up job with the "security" on those "secret" labs of his.

Maybe he should just save everyone the four seconds it obviously takes to break into one of his incredibly secret lairs (now in 472 convenient locations) and just release the shit to the general public in energy drink form.

Goblin Juice: The real demon in a bottle.
(You'd have to be criminally insane not to drink it.)

10 Non-Obvious Reasons Why Being Spider-Man Would Be Awesome

At some point in their lives, most guys want to be a superhero of some description - Wolverine, Batman, Superman, etc. The difference between most guys and me is that I am still 100% certain that I will be a superhero. It's only a matter of time.

My superhero of choice? The Amazing Spider-Man. Here's 10 reasons you might not have thought of about why it would kick ass to be Spidey:

10. The ability to wear form-fitting spandex suits in public without making terrible fashion faux pas is a dream come true.
9. I would probably not be as afraid of spiders as I currently am.
8. Talking about your archnemesis(es) is a way cooler dinner party opener than 'How about that weather?'
7. Having the physique of a superhero makes buying jeans a much easier, less scary proposition.
6. Much wider audience for my witty one-liners.
5. Get to spend a lot more time outdoors. (Not really sure this is a perk in retrospect but I'm too lazy to change it now.)
4. Transportation costs significantly reduced. I would never have to wait for a bus again, or sit next to dubious fellow passengers who smell suspiciously of urine.
3. Being so agile and bendy makes even the weirdest shit in the Kama Sutra an option during "special cuddles".
2. Spider sense would significantly decrease the amount of times I walk into things, trip over things and generally hurt myself in new and amazing ways.
1. I guess having the proportionate strength, speed and agility of a spider along with a genius level IQ, the ability to cling to any surface, superhuman durability, reflexes and equilibrium and web-slinging skills would all be pretty good too.