10 G.I. Joes You Need to Save the World

In honour of the new (and very possibly terrible beyond belief) G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra movie out on August 7th, I'm taking a trip back to my childhood, to the glory days of the 1980's and the height of the battle for the fate of the world between the heroic G.I. Joe's and the nefarious COBRA Command.

So many long, long hot summer days were spent with my best mate playing with the G.I. Joe 3 3/4 inch action figurines in his back yard. He had literally hundreds - a whole garbage bin full in fact. We would spend hours setting up the opposing armies and finding the perfect hiding spots for our favourite Joes before playing it all out, sometimes long into the night, until one side was victorious. Epic.

So COBRA has a plan to take over the world, huh? No sweat. Based on my years of experience, here are the Top 10 G.I. Joe's that you need on your team if you want to save the world. Let me know if you agree in the comments section!

10. Wet-Suit is the toughest and the meanest of Navy SEALS, as well as an underwater demolitions expert. That means he blows shit up. Underwater. Does it get more manly than that? Plus he's a snappy dresser who came with awesome accessories.

9. Sci-Fi is a Laser Trooper. It's his job to shoot shit in the face from 4 kilometres away with a giant freakin laser gun. Everyone loves a sniper. And laser guns. Pewpew.

8. Frostbite was the first G.I. Joe I ever owned, which was kick ass because he came packaged with the Snow Cat arctic assault vehicle. Nobody likes winter but Frostbite kicks Winter in the nuts and lives in the Arctic. By Choice. Even his name is more hardcore than you could ever be.

7. Scarlett is the only female Joe in my top ten. A counter intelligence specialist and martial artist, her favoured weapon is the crossbow. A hot red head who can kick your ass five ways 'til Sunday? Snap!

6. Every team needs a tech guy and Dial Tone is mine. This guy is like McGyver and Magnum P.I. rolled into one - he can make anything from a paper clip and a pet rock AND he has a moustache. Classy.

5. Roadblock comes in at five. If you're ever building a team to save the world, you definitely want someone who can lift heavy ordinance on their own. Roadblock carries a fully loaded M2HB Browning Machine Gun as his personal weapon of choice. It weighs 55 freakin' kilograms and can fire a round over 7km. And you thought a Magnum was a big gun. He's so badass he could make Mr. T his prison bitch.

4. If you want to defeat COBRA, you need a guy who can just get shit done. Shockwave is a S.W.A.T. specialist, the guy who kicks down doorways and shoots bad guys in the face, making 'Bad Boys'-esque wisecracks as he goes. He can probably even put together IKEA furniture without breaking a sweat.

3. Every team needs a leader and Duke's the man for the job. He's level headed, fights alongside his men, and has a flat top haircut that Dolph Lundgren would be proud of.

2. Everyone knows ninjas are awesome. If you need to stop COBRA from taking over the world, you want as much ninja awesomeness on your team as possible. Storm Shadow is the team's anti-hero, the one who you're never quite sure which side he's on, but he'll come good in the end. Plus his snow camouflage duds are the latest in ninja chic.

1. Snake-Eyes is hands down the coolest G.I. Joe around. A mute ninja master with a mysterious past, Snake-Eyes isn't afraid to put aside martial arts and just go for a grenade when the situation requires. Oh, and if all of that doesn't make you want to wet yourself at the meer thought of his awesomeness, he has a wolf for a pet. Fuck you, everyone else in the world. Face it, no matter what you do in life you will never be this cool.

10 Better Ways Ianto Could Have Died

By now enough of you should have watched Torchwood: Children of Earth that I can post this without spoiling too many people's viewing experiences. Was anyone else incredibly disappointed with how they killed off poor Ianto Jones, particularly given the truly heroic deaths Owen and Tosh got last season? I was!

Here are ten better ways Ianto could have gone out:

10. Shredded by molten coffee beans whilst making espresso for the team when a freak clogging of the steam pipe caused the machine to explode.

9. Threatened to hold his breath until the 456 left Earth and was forced to make good on his promise when they called his bluff.

8. Strangled to death after tying necktie too tight.

7. Assassinated by a sentient mutated vanilla boysenberry muffin from the planet Muffimatoria VI after unwittingly serving its brother with the team's morning coffee.

6. Beaten to death whilst attempted to use Kung Fu on the 456 in the tank, not realising it knew "Mantis style".

5. Broke his neck trying a strange alien Kama Sutra manoeuvre with Jack.

4. Shot by Jack out of jealousy after Ianto announced that he was going to defect to the FBI because Mulder and Scully were offering "tag team action".

3. Choked to death on a hot dog. No, not that kind of hot dog you dirty minded person, you!

2. Eaten by a rift-mutated Goldfish named Terrence after accidentally blinding himself when he stepped outside Torchwood 3 to get Gwen and Jack's dry cleaning and looked down at his ridiculously shiny shoes, then stumbled over the railing into Cardiff Bay.

1. Let's be honest - dying in pretty much any other frakking way imaginable that wasn't getting a virus that the 456 produced with no explanation of where it came from or hint that it was even a possibility and crying to death in Jack's arms.

10 Reasons Why I Wouldn't Work At Torchwood

Having just finished watching the at-times stunning Torchwood: Children of Earth mini-series (despite the goodness, damn you for cutting it from a 13 to a 5 episode season, BBC! Damn you!), I have decided that working at Torchwood 3 with Jack and the (ever shrinking) gang could really suck.

Here's 10 reasons why (possible SPOILERS below):

10. Television viewing time would be severely decreased as the team spends a ridiculous amount of time at work.
9. Risk of workplace being blown up much higher than current job. Could lose favourite mug in explosion.
8. Tight deadlines based on regular end-of-the-world-type scenarios might lead to increased blood pressure.
7. Elaborate workplace pranks are less fun when there's no chance of "accidentally" killing your annoying boss.
6. Constant death and dismemberment of co-workers could really play havoc on workplace birthday cake roster.
5. Would be forced to endure everyone being in love with the boss. Coffee break conversation likely to be limited and boring (or bitchy and really exciting, not 100% sure).
4. Would possibly fall in love with the boss myself. This could be detrimental to my marriage. Curse your rakish good looks and masculine bravado, Captain Jack Harkness!
3. Could find Cardiff difficult to navigate without the degree in Alien Languages required to understand Welsh. Additionally, might confuse Welsh citizens with aliens.
2. Would have to work really hard to pretend that Gwen Cooper isn't more macho than I am. (She is.)
1. My strong aversion to death makes me sensitive to the high probability of getting shot, virused, blown up or being disintegrated in a nuclear meltdown to death whilst on the job. Poor workplace safety standards are a major turn-off.

10 Non-Obvious Reasons Why Being Spider-Man Would Be Awesome

At some point in their lives, most guys want to be a superhero of some description - Wolverine, Batman, Superman, etc. The difference between most guys and me is that I am still 100% certain that I will be a superhero. It's only a matter of time.

My superhero of choice? The Amazing Spider-Man. Here's 10 reasons you might not have thought of about why it would kick ass to be Spidey:

10. The ability to wear form-fitting spandex suits in public without making terrible fashion faux pas is a dream come true.
9. I would probably not be as afraid of spiders as I currently am.
8. Talking about your archnemesis(es) is a way cooler dinner party opener than 'How about that weather?'
7. Having the physique of a superhero makes buying jeans a much easier, less scary proposition.
6. Much wider audience for my witty one-liners.
5. Get to spend a lot more time outdoors. (Not really sure this is a perk in retrospect but I'm too lazy to change it now.)
4. Transportation costs significantly reduced. I would never have to wait for a bus again, or sit next to dubious fellow passengers who smell suspiciously of urine.
3. Being so agile and bendy makes even the weirdest shit in the Kama Sutra an option during "special cuddles".
2. Spider sense would significantly decrease the amount of times I walk into things, trip over things and generally hurt myself in new and amazing ways.
1. I guess having the proportionate strength, speed and agility of a spider along with a genius level IQ, the ability to cling to any surface, superhuman durability, reflexes and equilibrium and web-slinging skills would all be pretty good too.

Two Angry Robots Podcast

If you happen to have enjoyed any of my bloggings and feel like you could do with more of the same but not the same because you wouldn't have to read anything, then I have news for you:

People have walked on the moon!

No wait, that's not right, that's old news. Which means its good news. No wait, no news is good news, not old news is good news. That limits my options - I can either give you no news, or give you bad news. Fine. The bad news then:

I have a weekly podcast! Go check out www.twoangryrobots.com and listen to it there, or find it on iTunes - downloadable for free, of course because I'm that kind of guy.

Me Vs Bitches

It's time to dust off the soap box and have a good old fashioned gripe about something. In this case, the soap box is this blog, dusting is writing and that something is my friends, the eponymous "Bitches" referred to in the title.

I remember a time when my friendships used to be mutual. It seems to be a long time ago now but I'm sure this was the case. Sometimes I would call or sms my friends to organise things (in this case "things" are mutually enjoyable activities that can be simultaneously experienced by two or more willing participants), sometimes they would call or sms me. This seemed to be a fair and equitable arrangement.

But things have changed. I got married. ("Aha!" I hear you cry. "It's your fault!" but I shall prove my innocence.) Upon announcing my decision to my friends, they congratulated me profusely and then almost universally added, "Just don't forget about us" and other things of that nature.

Ironically though, whilst I still go to the effort of calling, sms'ing and organising, it is my non-married friends (aka. the "bitches") who have stopped returning the favour. Some seem to have developed an extreme inability to operate a mobile phone bordering on the phobic. Ironic in a non-Alanis Morrisett kind of a way, in the sense of being actually ironic.

Is it me? Have I done something? Not done something? The answer, of course, is "No." I'm perfect. Damn bitches.

Me Vs Swine Flu

I'm sick. I've been sick all week. This makes me angry. When I get angry, I like to have someone to blame. Blaming others makes me feel a bit better.

These are my usual go-to blaming options when unwell:
1. My students. They come to school with their ebola and their syphillis and what have you and cough and sniff over everything. Walking in to a classroom in winter is like walking into a horror movie - all you see are leaking noses, open mouths and vacant eyes. (Admittedly the vacant eyes may be a feature common to all students at all times.)
2. My doctor. I can get angry at my doctor because:
a) It's always a "virus" and I need to sleep it off. Why did I bother coming to see you again? Why did YOU bother going through six years of medical degree again?
b) The word 'doctor' implies a certain level of responsibility for a patient. Where were they when I was getting sick in the first place?!
3. Everyone else. Why? Because I'm sick. Fuck off!

Note the following are NOT useful blaming options:
1. Me. When you get sick you have a constitutional and a morally obligatory right to wallow in self-pity. Anyone who tries to whinge about you whinging is impinging on your rights and is, therefore, a fascist. Tell them so. Suggest they frog march into the kitchen and make you some chicken soup.
2. My wife. This should be obvious. If it is not, I pity you. If it is not and you are married, you are really in some serious trouble, my friend.

But now, thanks to the media's constant attempts to beat up a story in an effort to give me something else I need to fear, I can now blame a new group of people: Foreigners! Or, at the least, rich bastards who can still afford to go on holidays and boat cruises during these uncertain economic times. It is particularly satisfying to get angry at rich foreign bastards. Not just for the flu but also because "they" "took" "all" of "our" jobs and caused Brad and Jennifer to split up. Bastards.

Look, here's how it works: Perhaps if I slept more, ate more fruit and veggies and exercised more regularly, I wouldn't have gotten sick... nah, that's not it... it was those damn foreigners!

Blah, I'm going back to bed.

Me VS Torture Chambers

In Medieval times, when people were bad they were put in a torture chamber.

Today, we call it "the gym" and we pay people to get in.

Go figure.

Manslator

There's some movie out at the moment based on a self-help book that teaches women how to understand what men are actually saying when they say the things they say. Or perhaps it is about what they say when they don't say things. Which is, I guess, what men don't say when they aren't saying something. Or maybe it's what they do say when they aren't saying things.

Based on the above, this seems like a fucking confusing book to me. I don't know why any of you ladies bothered to read it in the first place.

However, be not afraid as there is still hope for you. I am here and I have decided to be the manslator that ladies apparently so desperately need, by manslating some basic things for the prettier half of the species.

Ladies, before we begin you need to be aware of something: men are fucking stupid. This is not a joke or a witty observation. It is just, sadly, the truth. If you bear in mind this one simple truth and think about everything men do in light of it, you will find that the things we do and say make a lot more sense.

The second thing you need to understand is that because men are stupid, we are by nature very simple. Whilst our brains can tolerate thinking about a broad range of topics, they can only do so for a limited amount of time before returning to the basics: food, sleep, boobs, leisure activities (sports/video games/beer).

Now you know, in all honesty, everything you need to know in order to manslate for yourself. Here are a few examples, just to show you how it works:

1) You: Do you want to go out with me and my friends tonight?
Him: No baby/honey/shnookywooks, you go out and have fun with the girls! Let your hair down.
You think: He is being nice and giving you some time to yourself.
Manslation: That sounds boring! I will instead eat KFC, drink beer and watch footy with my friends.

2) You: Do I look good in this?
Him: Yes.
You think: It's a nice compliment.
Manslation: 'Yes' is a good option because: a) I avoid getting into trouble; and, b) I possibly increase my chances of having sex with you in the near future.

3) You: Do you ever watch porn?
Him: No.
Come on ladies, this is an easy one!
You think: He's telling the truth. (Hahahaha)
Manslation: Yes, I do. I sure do.

4) You: What are you thinking about?
Him: Oh, nothing really.
You think: He's thinking about the things you're thinking about like chores, life goals, that book you finished last week, etc.
Manslation: Sex sex sex sex sex sex.

5) You: (in bed) Are you tired?
Him: (guarded/sleepily) How come?
You think: He's cute when he's tired.
Manslation: I am being cautious because if you want to talk, I'm going to sleep but if you want to have sex, I am in. In fact, I've never been so awake in my ENTIRE LIFE.

So there you have it, the basic principles for understanding men, manslated for your pleasure.

Ladies of the internet, if you do not yet feel confident enough to manslate for yourself from the above, feel free to post your queries and I will happily manslate for you. Because that's the kind of guy I am.

Disclaimer: In the event that my lovely wife reads this, obviously I am different to the average male I speak of and therefore, my man words manslate differently to the man words I have manslated above. Additionally, please remember that I do the washing up and take out the garbage so you can't divorce me because otherwise you would have to do these chores yourself.

Me VS School Technology

As a teacher, I am constantly being urged by the "Powers That Be" (or PTBs, thanks Angel) to integrate technology into my lessons on a regular basis. The thinking behind this is sound - we are living in an increasingly technological age and teachers need to prepare students for this to the best of their abilities.

On the face of it, I have no problems with this - I agree with the general concept and I can even do the following exceptionally technological things:
1) Send e-mail and attach things to email (there was a half day training session on this, no joke)
2) Make PowerPoint presentations that use photos and sounds AND videos
3) Write a blog (bonus points at my school for knowing what that is)
4) Make/listen to a podcast and/or make/watch a vodcast (more bonus points)

I also know what Twitter is (ULTRA bonus points!!), have a Facebook account and know where to find myspace... although all that's ever gotten me is a severe epileptic fit from those fucking crazy wallpapers everyone always uses. Seriously people, what the fuck?! (For another blog, perhaps)

I know, I know. Right now you're thinking, "Holy fucking shit! Is this guy Captain Computer or what?!" Be calm, mere mortal. We cannot all tread amidst such lofty heights. Though your mind may be blown by my amazingness, do your best to cram it back in and carry on reading.

So anyway, I know about quite a bit of "cutting edge" technology and this week I decided to be uber technological and make a few lessons extra special. Here's what happened:

1) Could not show students videos relevant to their learning because youtube is blocked, even to teachers.
2) Could not access Microsoft's free online learning tools because they require a hotmail address. Hotmail is blocked.
3) Internet explorer crashes every time I try to access sites such as www.smh.com and others
4) Tried to make a crossword online. Internet explorer crashed after I'd typed in 30 question/answers ... and didn't save any of it.
5) Half the computers in any given computer room don't work.
6) Websites requiring Flash player don't run.
7) Students drafting assignments at home on new versions of MS Office can't open them at school, because school has the 2003 version... I don't have the admin privileges to install software.

None of this is an exaggeration and all of this happened this week. The truly funny thing is that's not even half of the fun I had with technology this week.

Upon reflection, it is clear that God was trying to teach me a lesson and I think I've finally figured it out. From now on, it's worksheets all the way, baby.

Until the photocopier breaks down again.......



Fuck!!!